My favourite section of the weekend papers is the matrimonial advertisements. The crisp descriptions sell the person's best attributes and outline their perfect-partner demands. It must take hours to work out what to put in to make you most attractive.

They range from the factually exaggerated (“Sweet natured veg, caring, soft spoken, 51 yrs [looks 42], perfect health) to the detailed (“Sober, slim, beautiful Manglik bride for Punjabi Saraswat Brahim chief office in the merchant navy) to the grand (Posh S.Delhi b’ness family seeks a b’ful convent edu girl).

I got married four years ago; fortunately without the need for advertising. That way I wouldn’t have had to embarrass myself with something like: “26 yr old going grey [looks 22 but feels 45], questionable sense of humour, capable of offending people without trying, arts degree. Age, height, religion no barrier.”