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January 25, 2009

Apparently, we're in crisis

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/25/2009 in English cricket

Of course, should a chap be so uncouth as to suggest, after coughing politely, that the real problem we have is that the vast majority of players in the English game aren't actually very good, he would be greeted with a stony silence. It would be the journalistic equivalent of telling a knock-knock joke at a funeral.

Another English trait is our habit of slandering, mocking and generally abusing our leaders, regardless of their merits. The mendacity or incompetence of anyone in power is a given; they represent inanimate effigies that we can safely lay into over our lattes and bacon sarnies. In itself this trait is harmless, the information age equivalent of the man employed to sit behind Caesar and remind him that he was mortal.

But we also have an unrealistically strong faith in the democratic system. Not happy about the state of English cricket? Don't worry, there's going to be an election. Get rid of tatty old Giles Clarke and get the new bloke in. Then things will be fine. Democracy of course, can be a blunt but powerful instrument, a savage hammer of justice falling heavily on the incumbent and tearing down the established structure.

Unfortunately, the hammer used in ECB elections is made of foam. The upcoming contest for the leadership of English cricket is about as significant as two ducks squabbling over a piece of bread. In the red corner is Giles Clarke, a successful businessman and passionate defender of county cricket. In the other red corner is Lord Marland, a passionate defender of county cricket and successful businessman. Which of them will prevail? A nation is on tenterhooks.

English cricket isn't in a crisis. It's in a coma. A one hundred and fifty year coma, to be precise; a deep and enduring state of unconsciousness in which we may occasionally bat an eyelid, but soon sink back into silent, uncomplaining numbness.

Our game is organised in a way that would warm the cockles of Al Capone's heart. Huge sums of money are extorted from a profitable national team in order to prop up a loss-making domestic game that no-one watches and which serves no discernable purpose. Meanwhile, members of the public who have the audacity to want to watch their national team must either pay £100 a time for the privilege of squeezing into poky little stadiums like Lord's or shell out £500 a year for a Sky subscription.

The eighteen first class counties run our game in a thoroughly English way, that is, ruthlessly, but out of sight, whilst being able to pretend that they have nothing to do with it. Think of the ECB as a large polished table, around which sit eighteen super villains, from Dr No to Darth Vader. From time to time they pick a new puppet to do their bidding. So who will it be this time? Clarke or Marland? Who cares.

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January 21, 2009

A New Yawn For English Cricket

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/21/2009 in English cricket

“Obviously, we can’t just copy the Indians, so you’ll see a few differences,” said Clarke, gnawing on a piece of cheese. “For a start no-one will want to watch it, because it’ll be rubbish. So we’ve gone away from the idea of big stadia and we’re holding it in my back-garden. Well it was either that or Taunton. And we’ve sold the rights to Mongolian State TV, so those lazy old buggers in their armchairs won’t be able to see it either.”

Asked whether there would be IPL-style player auctions, Clarke chuckled. “Oh yes, sure,” he replied sarcastically. “What am I bid for this Gareth Batty? Do I see ten pounds. Ten pounds anyone? Don’t be daft, lad.”

The English Premier League will run from January to December, with forty-eight rounds of matches, a month of play-offs and a Grand Final to decide which is the least worst team. Amongst the galaxy of international superstars scheduled to take part are Jonas Van Kolpack, brother of someone who almost played for South Africa and former Australian 12th man Carl Rackemann or someone who looks very much like him. The eighteen counties have also been specially renamed for the tournament, the names being chosen by a consultancy firm, 'Old Rope Associates' and finely tuned to reflect the diverse reality of modern British life:

Lancashire Drizzle
Durham Beer Bellies
Yorkshire Moan
Nottinghamshire Accents
Derbyshire Fly Tippers
Leicestershire Kolpacks
Northamptonshire Traffic Cones
Worcestershire Wellies
Gloucestershire Flood Warnings
Glamorgan Slag Heaps
Surrey Shooters
Middlesex Mortgages
Sussex Nimbys
Hampshire Chemicals
Somerset Inebriates
Kent Bigots
Essex Nightclubs
Warwickshire Idiots

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Warne again

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/21/2009 in Australian Cricket

Richie Benaud still thinks Warne can make a comeback in this year's Ashes series and KP's desperate attempt to have Sir Shane made the coach of England goes a long way to confirming the fact that the Poms are scared that it might happen as well! But, as I mentioned earlier, all this talk has suddenly died down once David Warner has arrived onto the scene.

Andrew McDonald made his debut for Australia this summer and Ricky Ponting affectionately nicknamed him "Fanta". I wonder if Warner will be the new "Warnie"; if not just to get the opposition onto the back foot - something the Australians are masters of (among other things). Australia's fixation with all things Warnie is starting to get a bit creepy now. Just go see the new musical about him. Next thing you know, he'll be hosting his own reality TV shows: "Search for Australia's next top Warnie". But wait, we've already found him.

His name is David Warner. Critics have already started doing what they do best and labeled him a one-hit-wonder. If that is the case, I wonder if and how long they will persist with him in the hope that one day, one day he will repeat his heroics from his first hit out; and not just turn up and bowl his fast leggies with returns of 2/45 from every match and get out first ball. My Pakistani friend Ahmed suggested I put that last sentence in, by the way.

It's astonishing that a cricketer would get selected for what was the greatest cricketing team in the world without even a first class match under his belt. It's even more astonishing that some people want this man to be selected to don the baggy green left vacant by Matthew Hayden and enter a team which only 18 months ago was described as "harder to get in than out". Maybe Haydos thinks the same, for he retired the day after he saw Warner spin the Proteas out of the MCG.

Wait, I think Brad Hodge is at my door. ..... No, it was just the postie with my tickets to Sydney to join the Bankstown Cricket Club. For his sake and whatever happens next, I hope he does well and goes a long way to fulfilling his early promise, both in Australia and in Delhi. After all, Sehwag and Co wouldn't want to have let go of Shikhar Dhawan for nothing.

Now if only my German mate Hans Warneberger from Nar Nar Goon would stop thinking he suddenly has new found batting superpowers and strut out to bat with such disregard for the bowling that as the next man in, I'd have to get padded up even before he faced a ball.

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January 17, 2009

The Scourge of our Times

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/17/2009 in Extras

Why do I harbour such ill-feeling towards the moderately talented? Well, ever since I read Lalit Modi's autobiography (Modi, Modi, Modi 'A Rich Man's World') I have started to see the activities of Vikram and his cohorts in a new and sinister light.

What is the biggest problem in the world right now? I think we all know the answer. Unofficial cricket. Let's be frank, it's the scourge of the modern age. It is sickening to think that even as you're reading this there are gangs of rebel cricketers hanging round on street corners all over India. Wealthy residents of Delhi are frightened to leave their homes lest they encounter some unofficial cricket. Only this morning, I had to confiscate a bat from a group of eight year olds playing in the local park. Had they sought ICC clearance? Had they hell!

Thank heavens then for the BCCI and their efforts to save us all from these dangerous insurgents. This dedicated band is working tirelessly, literally one, sometimes two afternoons a week on our behalf. You might say that they seem to be doing very well for themselves in the process. But you'd be wrong. They don't drive top-of-the-range cars because they like it. They don't wear expensive suits because they want to. It's just part of the job. In order to infiltrate these gangs of international desperadoes they have to think like them, act like them, get paid more than them.

The ICL rebels are undermining Test cricket and grabbing the cash to play in a pointless domestic Indian league designed purely to make vast piles of money for the shadowy clique in charge. Let's be clear, that is something that the BCCI simply will not tolerate. You might not like Lalit Modi or Shashank Manohar. But that's because you're a neo-colonialist and frankly you deserve to be crushed underneath a heavy roller pushed by Jesse Ryder. So join with me and stand up to these rebels, these ICL bullies, with their half-empty stadia and pink tracksuits. Go along to New Road, stand by the pavilion and tut loudly as Solanki strolls out to bat. If you meet Paul Nixon in the queue at the butcher's, pretend you don't know who he is. And if you see Dinesh Mongia flagging down a taxi, it is your moral duty as a cricket fan to steal his ride.

Let these people be in no doubt about two things. Firstly, that there is more to cricket than money. And secondly, that the BCCI know where they live and where they do their grocery shopping.

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January 11, 2009

An Elephant Story

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/11/2009 in Extras

'Is that near Darwin?' asked Roy.

Suddenly, Mitch hurried to the front of the front of the line, his tusks gleaming in the setting sun. 'Skip, Skip, come quick!'

'What is it boy, can't you see I'm busy?'

'It's Haydos, Skip. He's not moving!'

Haydos had been around as long as anyone could remember and in his day had been a feared warrior. Always the first into battle, he would stomp up and down, waving his trunk and bellowing, smiting fear into the hearts of his foes.

But now he was a pitiful sight. His great bellowing had become a timid whisper. His arthritic hip meant he could no longer stomp and there were days when he couldn't even keep his trunk straight. The evil day could be delayed no longer. The law of the herd was harsh, but they could afford no stragglers. Punter knew that the time had come for the old campaigner, just as it came for Warnie, Pigeon, Gilly and the other one. Just as it would come for him one day.

'G'day, Haydos,' said Punter.

The old elephant was sitting down and tried to struggle to his feet.

'No, don't worry mate. No need to get up.'

'Just needed a rest, Skip. I'll be back on form for the next mission.'

Punter remained silent.

'What is it, Skip?'

'Thing is Haydos, we don't need you for the next mission.'

'Oh. Right. Give the younger elephants a chance. Good idea. Happy to stand aside this time, for the good of the herd.

'Or the mission after that,' continued Punter.

There was an awkward silence.

'Guess this is it then,' said Haydos.

Punter looked down, rubbing his trunk in the dust.

'Guess it is. Right. Well, I'll see you then.' Punter turned to walk away.

'Skip?' asked Haydos, for the last time.

'What?'

'Will you do me a favour and break the news to Roy. I don't think I can.'

'No worries mate,' said Punter.

And so the great old elephant lay down to sleep under a coolibah tree. Punter marched to the front of the herd, trying not to dwell on the day, fast approaching, when he too must lay down in the shade. He looked at the line of expectant faces. 'Right,' he ordered, 'keep a nice tidy line. By the left, quick march!'

'Incompetent oaf!' muttered Lee.

'Silence in the ranks!' shouted Punter.

And on they marched, the great, noble herd, trampling almost everything that lay in their path though sometimes they had to take the long way round.

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January 8, 2009

Socrates on KP

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/08/2009 in English cricket

Thank God then for Bob Willis. Called in to fill the gap between when Sky started to tell us about the 6 o'clock statement and when it actually arrived, old Bob grumbled, whinged and moaned delightfully for a few minutes, managing to explain that KP had been stupid and that the England players didn't like him. Then it was Gower's turn. "Is English cricket in a mess, asked the excitable studio presenter. Not really, I was thinking. "Yes it is," opined David and proceeded to lull us to sleep with a five minute exposition, the finer points of which I may only be able to recall under hypnosis.

Of course it's nothing of the sort. Socrates would have summed it up thus: "Wouldn't you say that yesterday we had a captain who wasn't quite up to the job?" "Yes I would." "And would you also say that we had a coach who wasn't that great?" "Well, yes, that's true." "And would you further say that the captain and the coach didn't work well together?" "I suppose that is true, yes." "And that the team was divided, not all of them supporting the captain?" "I would have to say yes." "And would say that these were bad or good things?" "Bad things, certainly." "And after today's mess, do these things still exist?" "Well, no." "So if it is a mess, isn't it a peculiarly good kind of mess, in which all the problems which existed yesterday have now been resolved?" "Why, yes it is." "So can it really be considered to be a mess?" "When you put it like that, no, I suppose it isn't." So there you have it.

Socrates would have made mincemeat of David Gower. But probably not Andrew Strauss. Which is reason number 94 in the long list of reasons why he should already be captain and we should not be having this conversation.

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Predictions for 2009

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/08/2009 in World cricket

England is a real mess at the moment. KP has resigned from the captaincy and there will be no Peter Moores. England is a shadow of the team that won the 2005 Ashes, although some of the heroes are still lingering around. Flintoff is still a force to be reckoned with, and KP is a genuine superstar batsman who can by dynamite against any opposition. However, their bowling attack is pretty flimsy, as is their choice of Bell at number three. Bell has never made a Test century unless another batsman has passed the mark before him, and while stylish, he just doesn't have any steel in his spine.

India and South Africa will define excellence in 2009, and while India are looking as good as ever, South Africa have the advantage due to their finely balanced bowling attack and the coming of age of several of their players (Namely De Villiers and Amla). India has a classy team, led by two fine fast bowlers in Zaheer and Ishant. Ishant has the mark of an all time great, and will continue to improve as long as he doesn't break down due to his somewhat frail physique. Their problem is their aging veterans, who are approaching their use by date (Namely Dravid, Laxman, and Tendulkar, although the latter two players have a year or two left in them).

Dhoni has a lot of charisma, and leads the team well, but India will not be able to challenge South Africa unless they win important series away from home. If they can beat the South African team outside of their comfort zone, then they will be the top side. In the meanwhile, they are probably one of the better limited overs sides around. And there is plenty of good young players coming through that could have a great affect on Indian cricket for the next few years. Look out for them at the 20/20 World Championship.

Sri Lanka have looked terrific since introducing Ajantha Mendis into their attack. While they will have to worry about how to replace Chaminda Vaas in the near future, they have a good team that can give any team a real shake on their day. They do tend to rely on Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakarra too much, but when they go strong, they will surprise. They could well provide India with some anxious moments if they tour there, especially if any turners make an appearance.

Pakistan, thankfully, are making some tours this year, including one to Australia. I'm glad they are getting some international cricket this year after a 2008 they'd rather forget. There will be no Mohammad Asif because of his idiotic drug taking, but Nasir Jamshed is a talented young opener, and they still have the services of Umar Gul, Sohail Tanvir and Yasir Arafat, not to mention the Britney Spears of cricket, Shoaib Ahktar.

New Zealand may bloom this year with their youthful team, but India is their first obstacle and their relatively pedestrian attack will struggle. A lot will fall onto Tim Southee, Kyle Mills, and the ever-reliable Daniel Vettori. Hopes will ride on the crop of young batsmen coming through (Jesse Ryder, Daniel Flynn and Ross Taylor) to find their feet this year. Keep your eyes on Flynn. He is a player who loves a scrap.

The West Indies had a long year, but the talent is there. Their fast bowling is a problem, but Jerome Taylor is still a damn good bowler. And Gayle, Sarwan, and the Shiv form a formidable batting trio. It is the rest of the team that needs to lift to match their depended-upon heroes. Another frustrating year looms.

Ah Bangladesh. The more things changed, the more things stayed the same. Any improvements were blown open by irresponsible batting, inadequate bowling, and a generally undisciplined approach, although they gave Sri Lanka a serious scare in their recent Test series by reaching a 4th innings total in excess of 400. Sakib Al Hasan looks to be an allrounder of immense promise, let's hope they nurture him well. Don't be surprised if they pull off a shock in the World 20/20.

Alrighty, looking at the schedule, I'll now make my predictions. The top Test run scorer of the year will be Virender Sehwag, although I reckon Michael Clarke will run him close this year. Both India and Australia have quite a few Test series this year. Sehwag always scores heavily, but Clarke is a batsman that is on the improve every year and his maturity has been evident this summer via several fighting knocks.

The top wicket-taker will be Mitchell Johnson. 'Johnno' had a good year in 2008 to finish equal second highest wicket taker, and I reckon he will enjoy the responsibility of being the number one. England will be facing an immensely improved and dangerous Johnson in England this year.

The top ODI run scorer will be, on a limb, either Gautum Gambhir or perhaps Kumar Sangakarra. Both are accomplished, and will face a glut of ODIs this year. The top ODI bowler is harder, but I'll go with Ajantha Mendis to elude second year syndrome and be a real force. Give us your opinions and let's get some lively discussion going.

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January 1, 2009

Pace like fire

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/01/2009 in World cricket

Although all four were bowling right-arm fast, they offered the full spectrum of artillery, namely: Andy Roberts - fairly short in height, his bustling round arm action allowed him to bowl outswingers with the new ball that were difficult to pick up in the air. His deceptive pace, late swing, nagging accuracy and low delivery trajectory saw him collect a lot of lbw and caught behind dismissals.

Michael Holding - not called 'Whispering Death' without reason, he had the most fluent, languid fast bowling action in the game's history. A champion middle distance runner in his youth, he naturally favoured a long run up to the crease and his effortless poetry in motion belied a capacity to generate great pace and bounce. Without warning, he could disrupt the batsman by going off a short run up to send down even quicker deliveries (was he the game's greatest ever exponent of mixing long-run and short-run deliveries?). Holding's stamina and athleticism also meant he could bowl all day if required.

Joel Garner - if you are 6ft 8ins tall and have a reach-for-the-sky action where the ball is being delivered from a height of ten feet, then what you lose in pace will be made up for with bounce. Garner's ability to make the ball rear up off a good length on seemingly dead pitches made him an extremely awkward proposition in the era before bowling machines would be able to simulate such bounce in net practice. He was the perfect support bowler after opening spells from Roberts and Holding.

Colin Croft - like Garner, a member of the awkward squad but for different reasons. Where Garner went vertical, Croft went horizontal with a curious windmill action that allowed him to slant the ball away from left-handed batsmen and worry the right-handers with uncommon inswing. This crosswards bowling line was accentuated by his delivery point wide of the crease. Never a candidate at risk of being warned for running on the pitch, I felt Croft often got away with the opposite in putting his feet outside the crease at the point of delivery. So there you have it.

I salute Roberts, Holding, Garner and Croft as the greatest fast bowling quartet who bowled together in cricket history. Can you think of a better quartet? For example, are Larwood, Allen, Voce and Bowes turning in their graves at such heresy?

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Genius?

Posted by Cricinfo - on 01/01/2009 in World cricket

In essence, this is a piece on genius. Who qualifies as one? Most importantly, is Laxman one? In order to justify that inexcusably long first paragraph, I begin by paying obeisance to my economic roots and making a few assumption/statements (none too far-fetched in my opinion): a genius is someone who is special; who, if in an academic field, thinks and acts and theorises at a level that the normal man can only dream of; who, if an artist/sportsman, is someone blessed with infinite amounts of 'creative power or natural ability' (OD); who, therefore, is a pioneer of sorts; who is far ahead of his times, innovative, inventive and different. Laxman's a man who's hard to catch or just isn't flashy enough to be under constant media glare. Interviews come at a trickle. And in the precious few, he's never verbose, not even close. But, he's not as soft or as silent as the media portrays him to be: he does say what he wants to say, perhaps more politely than most of the younger lot.

What interests and appeals to the cricket-lover in me is his take on any cricket-issue, his comments on the state of the game, the pitch, batting, slip-catching, they are mature, intelligent and incisive, indicative of a man who is a sound cricketing brain. Cricket-wise he is an extremely good strategist. Azharuddin, one of India's best captains ever, still believes he should be made captain and it really is a pity that we haven't seen enough of Laxman the Captain. Unlike many, I wouldn't judge him by his IPL stint simply because we just didn't get to see enough of him; however, that being said, he showed little of the spark or the genius a Shane Warne did, even in his initial few games. In conclusion, I think it would be far-fetched to term Laxman a genius, purely on academic terms; I don't see him as someone who has the 'vision', who sees the game from a level above the modern-day thinking cricketer.

'Creative power or natural ability': both interesting terms. Laxman has wrists of God, his flicks and clips of, not merely his pads but off deliveries a good two stumps away from his off-stump are special and unparalleled (no, even Azhar couldn't produce the shots he does). Blessed with tremendous amounts of natural ability, he's managed to 'create' his own range of strokes: different, silky and very, very special.

Every batsman has his own style and in a way, it may be argued that every batsman 'creates' his own style based on what comes naturally to him. But, what makes VVS stand apart is how different his predominantly wristy style is: the scale of the deviation from the batting manual is immense, far too much to be in the 'permissible' range; and yet, unorthodox as it is, it is still extremely effective. It is a manner that is new comprising of shots that are outrageously distinctive, testimony to his creative powers that can only be derived from his phenomenal natural ability. He definitely will not be a pioneer, simply because his batting is impossible to replicate. And he is different, though not a man ahead of his times (in fact, some may argue that he is slightly behind given the difference in his Test and one-day records).

If being innovative is bringing to the game something that it has never seen before, then Laxman, perhaps, just fits the bill. His stroke-play is unique, 'ground-breaking' even (a cruel adjective for such a gentle batsman). But, in a broader sense, innovation might also imply a continuous tendency to adapt, to learn, to change. And though, even after so many years of watching him bat, some strokes still leave me awe-struck, I can safely say that it is pretty rare that they'll shock me. The fact that he continues to retain his place in a line-up so star-studded shows that he's made adjustments, some technical, some mental, to the way he approaches his batting; the fact that he will always remain, in many eyes, someone of unfulfilled potential probably indicates that he hasn't done enough (or couldn't do enough) to continuously adapt to bowlers who began to see more of him. He's still managed to stay a couple of steps ahead, but it probably isn't quite enough to catapult him into Genius Inc.

Purely on natural ability, Laxman would make the cut. But, otherwise, taking all other grounds of qualifying into account, he'd probably qualify as a 'limited genius': one who probably requires a whole set of pre-requisites to actually come into his own. Most important, amongst those, is an opposition who is unashamedly attacking, a fielding captain who is not too familiar with his game and Laxman in a mood to be instinctive, to bat with abandon. There are few occasions where this happens: the most recent being that brilliant 109 in Australia, but otherwise, by and large, bowlers have learnt not to feed his strengths.

Laxman's response has been to mellow down, to solidify his defence, to let his instincts be guarded, in a strange way, in a quest to maintain his place in the side, he has limited his genius: it has proved productive, his innings are still punctuated by those magic flicks, but whole innings of magic are few and far in between. He's realised that the costs of continuing to try and live by the sword greatly outweigh the benefits of curbing his natural instincts. You won't see those beautiful but frustrating twenty-eights anymore, it's the gritty seventy-two that's become his trademark, valuable contributions, running around with the tail.

There's a lot to Laxman's batting that's brilliant: his timing, his much-praised hand-eye co-ordination and when in full flow, his invincibility against even the greatest of spin-bowling. It's not just his wrists that have got him to where he is. But, those very wrists have made him special - that have separated him from other greater mortals; that have flummoxed, with their snapping bite or their yummy roll, the best of bowlers; that have taken him to the brink of genius. He's there. Almost. And that's how it should be.

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