No ICL players please © Getty Images

Niranjan Shah was embarrassing on TV3 on Friday night, saying that the BCCI had made a request to the NZC board to ban anyone connected to "an unauthorised tournament cannot take part with our own people". He then went on to say that we "don't want to interfere." No, of course not Mr Shah. But, in the interests of consistency shouldn't we be banishing everyone who partakes in unofficial cricket tournaments? That would rule out commentators Stephen Fleming and Simon Doull (beach cricket) plus all those Black Caps who have played in teams (or competitions) that have been "polluted" with ICL players. It's a nonsensical approach.

Apart from having an ICL bloke having his say about India and Indian cricketers, another crucial issue appears to be the presence of BCCI favourite Ravi Shastri, who does a cracking job in the TV box and doubles as a member of the IPL's governing council alongside heavyweights such as Lalit Modi and Sunil Gavaskar. A Ravi-Macca combination is unpalatable for the BCCI who would probably rather see McMillan in stocks outside the ground.

We shouldn't be at all surprised. There is now a veritable catalogue of intimidatory tactics and unsavoury "anti-ICL" incidents that have had an impact on the New Zealand cricketing milieu:

1. Craig McMillan dares to have a day's work experience in the Hamilton commentary box for Sky TV and is set to be stood down from commentating on the first Test. Why? The BCCI believes McMillan's ICL infection will taint the coverage.

2. Shane Bond is given the "all clear" from NZC to join the Indian Cricket League and then told he couldn't honour his offshore contract. Why? A figurative double-barrelled gun to NZC's head from the BCCI and the ICC.

3. Daryl Tuffey plays for Auckland in a warm-up match against Bangladesh. The BCCI expresses its displeasure. So said Sharad Pawar a year ago: "All the boards had agreed in principle at the last ICC CEO's meeting that any player who is part of an unauthorised tournament will not be encouraged. This is a violation of a gentleman's agreement. Lalit Modi will write to New Zealand Cricket to protest against this move."

4. Nathan Astle, Daryl Tuffey and Craig McMillan are barred from featuring in Victory, a Bollywood film, because of their ICL infections. Why? Astle said: "They have had the hard word put on them by the BCCI to stop us from playing. I understand if they want to take that stance on the cricket field but this goes beyond that, and I think it's quite ridiculous, actually. I mean, this has nothing to do with playing - it's a movie about cricket. I was just supposed to rock up and bowl a few deliveries."

5. Hamish Marshall's presence sees Sachin Tendulkar and Dinesh Kartik walking around Wellington’s Cuba Mall looking at a bucket fountain when they could have been guest stars in a low-key Masters game between Australia and New Zealand in Wellington. The two Indian players were withdrawn at 8am on the day of the game at the BCCI's behest - not that they were admitting it. The Indian board's gushy man on the ground in New Zealand was dismissive: "This match is very insignificant. I don't have to react to this."

6. India is keen for its 6-pack of Test specialists to swagger into the New Zealand first-class cricket competition, the State Championship, for a bit of a hit. But then the fear and loathing of the ICL sets in. As a result no Indian player can turn out for Auckland or Northern Districts because of the presence of the Tuffey and Hamish Marshall respectively. So the BCCI is fine with its players playing in the same competition when it suits, but not in the same team as the ICL-linked riff-raff. Tuffey was even leant on by NZC, under orders from the BCCI, to stand down for the game but he rightly refused.

This recent meddling with Macca is merely another chapter in the book of the Indian establishment's vendetta against the non-establishment Indian Cricket League. Having the evil letter "C" in their Indian domestic cricket competition acronym is not a reason to treat players as untouchables. How much longer can the obsession with these unimportant trifling "threats" to its near-monopolistic position on the game continue?

The old adage that he who pays the piper calls the tune has never been more apt than in cricket at present – and the piper is playing a sitar. But India must not be granted a free license to meddle unfettered in another country's cricket arrangements. Aside from the shameful need for New Zealand cricket administrators to constantly “walk on eggshells” for fear of upsetting the BCCI, these off-field shenanigans are doing something more heinous. They’re detracting from the deeds of Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s team’s cricket on the park. When will it end?

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	Mark Richardson believes India will get favourable batting conditions on this tour © Getty Images

1. The primary motivation in December 2002 was not to stitch India up. No, no, no: it wasn’t about you, it was about us. NZ was aiming to stitch up whoever happened to have the misfortune to touch down in the Land of the Long White Cloud that sorry, soggy summer. The New Zealand team was blessed with one of our best ever fast bowlers at that time, Shane Bond. It wasn't an anti-Indian move as much as it was an attempt to deploy the one genuine match-winning weapon in our arsenal. Rest assured, if we had been playing England, Zimbabwe or Nepal, the pitches in would have been exactly the same.

2. Mark Richardson points the finger at the green tops and New Zealand's moves to make the most of favourable conditions - but humbly leaves out the fact that he averaged 48 in the two-Test series. That was a full 15 runs more than The Wall and almost double that of Tendulkar: India's two best batsmen in the series.

3. I dearly hope Rigor is wrong when he says the Indian batsmen can "rest easy this time round...because New Zealanders and New Zealand cricket understand who pays the wages nowadays". That should never come into it, and I don't think it will. Most New Zealanders couldn’t give a rat’s posterior about where the “financial power” of world cricket resides. The most important difference between 2002 and now is that we do not have a world-class fast bowler to prepare pitches for, thanks to the boning of Bond via administrative interference and a plethora of cock-ups.

4. "In cricket terms what New Zealand really need to achieve from this tour is a sense of goodwill towards New Zealand cricket from Indian cricket once the tour is over." Richardson's words - and I think they are complete and utter bollocks. If the New Zealand team is out there doing business development and relationship-building rather than playing to win, the whole thing is a waste of time. Sure, cricket in the right spirit and all that chaps, but on the field there's no expectation for the Kiwi team to treat the Indian XI as anything other than its equal. This idea that we have to be fawning and over the top in dealing with India to make sure the BCCI is nice to us down the track is half-embarrassing, half-patronising, and 100% wrong.

5. Hopefully the Indian players have been terrified by some of the tales written about in the lead-in to the tour. Tinu Yohannan telling the Indian Express that "at times it was so cold that I would be running up to bowl with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't even see what was in front of me." The guy only bowled 25 overs in the Test at Hamilton which is hardly the Antarctic of Aotearoa. For a sad, blind man he did pretty well all things considered - cricket writer Lynn McConnell said he was "accurate and unrelenting in his control".

6. If we were to doctor the pitches to suit the "strengths" of the current New Zealand Test team, what would we do? Settle for draws and prepare flat, lifeless highways, hoping like hell Ross Taylor goes absolutely berserk while Tim McIntosh and Daniel Flynn pitch tents at the other end? The issue is that India's current pace bowling has proven to be more than useful on foreign soil - and their batting on flat (and bumpy) decks is pretty handy too. The other conspiratorial theory in favour of preparing bat-athon wickets is that having the Test matches go the distance would be useful from a "keep the sponsors happy" perspective.

7. Harbhajan Singh shouldn't even be here - his fine for dirty boots last time around saw him declare that he would not return to New Zealand ever again. See footage of a cranky 2002 Turbanator in this story focusing on the Indian team's arrival last week. Of course, we're glad he went back on his word and made it to our shores this time around. Anyone who thinks Andrew Symonds is a muppet is anchored in a safe harbour here in New Zealand.

8. My favourite comment on Richardson's article was this one from Da_punjabi: "In India, we have a story of swan, and a fox, who treat dinner at each other's home. Fox serves food in a plat, which swan couldn't bow down enough to digest. She gets mad, and thinks of a revenge. When the Fox arrives at her house, she serves him the food in a bottle neck pot. So you can all imagine where this story is going..." Just so wonderfully odd.

9. For advice on how to make a successful Indo-Kiwi business deal on the banks of The Basin Reserve, Seddon Park or Maclean Park, New Zealanders should check the opportunistically timed advice just released by New Zealand's international trade agency, NZTE. How’s this for a hot tip? “Indians seem to think Australians are more fun to deal with when it comes to business negotiations. This suggests New Zealanders need to take time to build long-term relationships in India and share a bit of laughter while doing so.”

10. Gagging for the cricket to begin so we can all stop banging on about paymasters, financial windfalls, and record revenues? Me too. Just have to get through these twenny-twennys and one-dayers first…

	Wellington's Graham Napier could strike gold in the inaugural Big Hits Competition © Getty Images

Down here in New Zealand, wannabe national heroes can be spotted executing standing barbell curls, lying barbell extensions, reverse curls and dumbbell wrist curls as they strengthen up their arms for next month’s assault on cult hero status.

Why? Because, in an echo of baseball’s homerun derby and golf’s world’s longest driver competition, the quest to find the nation's most monstrous six-hitter is on, via the inaugural Big Hits Competition. New Zealand's longest tonker of a white cricket ball will be found at the final of the domestic cricket Twenty20 competition at the Cake Tin in Wellington on 26 February. Here, qualifiers from each of the six provinces, a nominee from domestic cricket, and one of the New Zealand team will be pitted against each other in an 8-way slog-off.

The domestic player will be found at the official launch event in Auckland early next month where nominees from each of the teams will unleash. My nominees would be: Central Districts (Mathew Sinclair), Northern Districts (Peter McGlashan), Wellington (Graham Napier), Auckland (Chris Martin – surely someone has to take the piss), Canterbury (Peter Fulton) and Otago (Dimitri Mascarenhas).

The challenge could be made harder if the pace of the bowler is not utilised – if it is lobbed then the hitter will have to generate all the horsepower. I was never a Physics maestro but I would rather have someone like Mark Gillespie bowling at me if I was trying to thrash one over the fence, down the road and into tomorrow.

The Hawke’s Bay Today has called for an end to speculation about the biggest six-hitter on the world cricket stage later this year: “If the ICC is prepared to dig deep into its pockets, that question can be answered once all the cricketing protagonists let the dust settle in their respective countries to send their delegates to the 2009 Twenty20 World Cup in England from June 5-21.”

The lustiest blows that I have sighted in the flesh would include a couple by Chris Cairns out of the Basin Reserve into Kent Terrace and onto the roof of the stand at Eden Park respectively, Andre Adams in the nets practising for Auckland at the Outer Oval, and Ricky Ponting bludgeoning one onto the ASB Stand at Eden Park in the moustache/afro/beard/beige-out Twenty20 match.

For the record, the biggest six in the world (according to the Wisden Cricketer) seems to be the one at the end of the arc of Charles “Buns” Thornton's swing while netting at the County Ground at Hove on 25 August 1876: “Thornton is generally considered to have been the longest hitter the game has ever known. He was a well-built six-footer, and though he had small forearms and biceps, he was very strong in the hips, and he jumped in at the ball with a tremendous free swing of the bat…He seldom wore batting gloves, and believed that the absence of impedimenta helped his freedom of movement and the swing of the bat.”

The distance travelled sans impedimenta? Nobody knows for sure, but it was around about a humungous 168 yards or 154 metres.

In terms of more recent numbers bandied about, these are the top efforts according to some late-night research at Beige Brigade HQ and the wisdom of crowds:

Albie Morkel - 124m
Yuvraj Singh - 119m
Ross Taylor - 112m
Misbah Ul-Haq - 111m
Shahid Afridi - unconfirmed (WACA)

Honourable mentions:
Lance Cairns monstering Geoff Lawson at the MCG
Mark Waugh pummelling Daniel Vettori at the WACA

As you can see, Thornton’s gargantuan effort dwarfs the contemporary players’ tonks. Another sad fact is that the winner of the biggest slog competition will probably receive more coverage than the domestic team who win the centrepiece final – the sideshow to a sideshow. Let’s hope not.

It remains unfathomable, preposterous and ridiculous that Shane Bond is not considered for the New Zealand team, yet is being watched and no doubt admired by selectors as he tours the country wreaking a little havoc here and there for his domestic team, Canterbury. In recent weeks he has played at obscure venues such as Mainpower Oval in Rangiora and Fitzherbert Park in Palmerston North, thundering in before “crowds” comprising just a few hundred fans.

It is utter nonsense.

This week Bond was at the 1974 Commonwealth Games venue, QEII Park, on the outskirts of his home town of Christchurch. He delivered a genuinely hostile spell of fast bowling (10 overs, 3 maidens, 1 for 24) to the Wellington top order and impressed his domestic coach Bob Carter who told The Press: “I think when he bowls like that and with that pace, our attack becomes that much more potent. I think they were 94 for eight at one stage and a lot of that could be put down to the pressure…in the first 10 overs." NZ coach Andy Moles was behind the rope watching, along with selection panel convenor Glenn Turner.

The landscape of international cricket has been transformed with the rise of Indian domestic leagues, and New Zealand has paid a hefty price. The Indian money men have reaped a rich harvest from the relatively low-paid meadow of New Zealand cricket. Along with Bond, Stephen Fleming, Craig McMillan, Nathan Astle, Hamish Marshall, Andre Adams, Chris Harris, Chris Cairns, Lou Vincent and Darryl Tuffey all had the pin pulled on their international careers and headed off to play on the sub-continent.

Fleming is the only one of the 10 to have joined the establishment-endorsed IPL, where he plays alongside several current international players. These include Scott Styris whose withdrawal from Test cricket also coincided with the emergence of the Indian domestic league, robbing the NZ Test team of yet another experienced middle-order batsman.

Initially there was much gnashing of teeth about the prospect of the domestic associations daring to select ICL players. The BCCI was reportedly “seething in anger” when Darryl Tuffey was selected to play for Auckland against Bangladesh in a warm-up game last season, given that NZC was part of the “gentlemen’s agreement” to encourage the non-selection of any player involved in an “unauthorised tournament”.

The official position in NZ is that ICL players can play in domestic cricket as non-contracted players (earning NZ$1425 for a first-class match, NZ$710 for a 50-over match, and NZ$450 for a Twenty20) but will not be eligible for selection for any national representative teams. In other countries the players are variously banned, overlooked or embraced depending which way the wind is blowing (and which way the BCCI is looking).

The irony is that “outlaws” like Bond, Marshall, Tuffey and Harris continue to do their bit on the home front by playing on the New Zealand domestic cricket circuit - showing their wares, testing their skills, and sharing their experience and nous – but IPL player Stephen Fleming is nowhere to be seen.

The second irony is that although any cricketers who dare take part in unsanctioned tournaments will be sidelined from involvement in national teams, that doesn’t apply to the selectors themselves. Selector Dion Nash and recently appointed “domestic cricket selection panel adviser” Mark Greatbatch won’t be out walking the dog like Andrew Hilditch, but they will be on the Gold Coast of Australia playing in the 2009 XXXX Gold Beach Cricket tournament from January 10-25 alongside Sky commentator Martin Crowe (captain), Danny Morrison, Fleming and ICL players Astle, Harris and McMillan.

The beach cricket is unofficial – and the naming rights sponsor is a competitor to the official beer sponsor of Cricket Australia. Similarly, the NZ beach cricket team is sponsored by Speight’s, a NZ beer and stablemate of the Australian XXXX brand that is also a direct competitor of NZC’s beer sponsor Export Gold.

NZC CEO Justin Vaughan told the Dominion Post: “Players go off to the IPL and we've accommodated that and selectors sometimes have the odd commitment. It's only for two weeks so I'm comfortable with it.”

Like the ICL, the beach cricket is a non-establishment tournament, but the crucial difference is that the BCCI don’t care about it so there are no arbitrary ramifications for those who participate.

All this goes to show that “overlooking” players who dare to try and earn some mortgage money in an Indian domestic cricket is a complete and utter nonsense. It is depriving New Zealand of the ability to select from its very limited pool of quality players and the world game is weaker for it. The sooner common-sense is applied to resolve this issue the better.

I cannot bring myself to discuss the pain and suffering induced by Australia (and New South Wales too) after their dismantling of the Black Caps over the past month. So, in order to divert attention, I’ll focus on a completely unrelated debate.

Why isn't there a ranking/rating for wicketkeepers from the ICC? They've got plenty of other areas covered, including the all-rounders, date-specific ratings, best-ever ratings and for the truly obsessed, even women's ODI rankings.

But poor old wicketkeepers (and pub debaters like me) are left to wonder who is the best, and how they rank against their fellow glovemen. In New Zealand, here at Beige Brigade HQ we enjoy winding-up the South Africans by claiming that our own Baz "The Pirate" McCullum is the best wicketkeeper in the world. In India, the wicketkeeping skills of MSD appear to be overshadowed by at least three other areas of significant impact: captaincy, captivating batting, and the cult of celebrity.

In Australia, the best in the world is always the current Australian wicketkeeper - or that is what Ian Healy will be droning on about in the Channel Nine commentary box anyway. Healy was arguably the best wicketkeeper of all-time so his views are highly relevant, but his sycophantic commentary and cycloptic view of Brad Haddin during the recent Test series Down Under against New Zealand was vomit-inducing.

Strangely, outside the TV commentary box he was much less of a cheerleader and made far more thought-provoking comments such as this one to The Australian: "[Haddin's wicketkeeping] hasn't improved since he got into the Australian team. I would actually say it has declined...We are all about trying to get his standards back to where they were when he was playing with New South Wales."

So, enough about Australians already. Who is actually the best as of right now, today? It's easy to have an argument about it, as nobody reputable appears to be counting and analysing the catches, byes, shelled chances, and stumpings that comprise a Test match day in the sun for a wicketkeeper. I'm sure as hell not going to break out my abacus, but in the absence of anything else more concrete, the current ICC Test rankings of each of the incumbent wicketkeepers seems a reasonable starting point, despite only rating batting performance:

Kamran Akmal, Pakistan #35
Mahendra Singh Dhoni, India #36
Brendon McCullum, New Zealand #39
Mark Boucher, South Africa #43
Brad Haddin, Australia #50
Denesh Ramdin, West Indies #68
Prasanna Jayawardene, Sri Lanka #72
Tim Ambrose, England #77
Mushfiqur Rahim, Bangladesh #79

It is surprising to find Akmal as top dog amongst the wicketkeepers on this “batting only” assessment. His name is not one heard bandied about in our pub arguments about the best keeper on the planet. Perhaps that is a function of visibility, given that Pakistan has not played a Test match for close to a year. He has five Test tons to his name, and aside from world record-holder Boucher, more dismissals than any of the others on the list. Perhaps I am being unfair.

I’d reluctantly have Boucher at number one. It pains me to overcome my personal demons and select him there, having witnessed his humourless reprimanding of the Eden Park ground announcer one day in 2004: “Don’t take the piss out of my players,” he demanded. The announcer had passed some light-hearted comments about the South Africans’ excruciating batting and red hair as they came and went (with some regularity during that match) from the middle. He had a pretty good Test with the gloves that week – 595 runs conceded and nary a bye to be seen. Note too that “c Boucher b Ntini” is the most successful keeper/bowler wicket-taking combination in Test cricket at present (80 scalps).

Taking silver for mine would be Dhoni – let’s assume the 28 byes he conceded at Delhi in October was an aberration and that he will end his career with a hell of a lot more than one Test century to his name. Indeed, his flamboyant captaincy and destructive batsmanship will be tasted first-hand from the grassy embankments around New Zealand in 2009. Presumably he will hate the conditions as much as the rest of the Indian batsmen did last time they were blindsided by our conveniently seaming wickets.

McCullum is in line for the bronze medal - and upper cuts for anyone who dares suggest that he is “the next Adam Gilchrist”. There won’t be another Gilchrist. At Test level, the Kiwi vice-captain still has a lot to prove, as his batting statistics against “proper” Test teams do not yet do justice to his undoubted talents.

The also-rans in order: Akmal the all but invisible achiever; Jayawardene, who must have the toughest gig of anyone looking after Murali and Mendis; Ramdin who is yet to score a Test ton; the two Australians Haddin and Ambrose, who have dined out on the NZ bowling attack to orchestrate Test wins for Australia and England respectively; and the Bangladeshi Tiger, Rahim.

The greatest controversy in Kiwi cricket this week is not whether Andy Moles is the right man for the NZ coaching job, the pros and cons of Brendon McCullum batting (and under-performing) at No. 5, nor is it our team’s ability to play two good days of Test cricket but not four, nor is it which seamer to bench for Adelaide.

Nope, none of the above. In fact it’s a marketing idea, now canned, which would have seen Dunedin embracing the slogan “It’s All White Here” for the upcoming New Zealand vs West Indies Test match (December 11-15). The idea was nothing to do with the Ku Klux Klan or Romper Stomper but a cricket take on a popular approach to marketing rugby here in New Zealand. Under the “Black Out” fans are encouraged to wear black if they are going along to support the All Blacks.

For the Dunedin cricket Test, the idea was a to inspire a “White Out” with everyone donning their finest lab coats, sheep suits, Playboy bunny costumes, bridal gowns, Elvis flares, stormtrooper kits, nurses’ uniforms and cream tuxedos. Harmless – and despite the axing of the official campaign, students all over the South Island should plough on regardless and embrace the idea.

By virtue of the deranged decision-making by the local government bureaucrats involved, it ironically threatened to become a sliver of accidental genius and one of the most successful marketing campaigns for Test cricket in recent years. Never before has the marketing of one match attracted so much attention outside the province of Otago.

Was this a brilliant example of “controversy marketing”? Not merely a gimmick, but a risky move with full follow-through that was undertaken to spark PR for Test cricket that money couldn’t buy? If so, it was a fortnight early: it should have been unleashed once the West Indies were here – then the controversy would have stood a better chance of translating into eyeballs.

I think some of the post-slogan reaction has been a little over the top. Speculation that the West Indies would boycott the match would not just be sad if true, but utter madness. Let’s recognise it for what it was: an ill-advised marketing tagline, devised in a cocoon in the deep south of New Zealand. That sense of perspective was adopted by the West Indies coach John Dyson when he arrived in New Zealand this week: “We've been notified of it but we're concerned with cricket. We just want to play the game.” Good man.

A little bit of wider audience-testing might not have gone astray, and would have highlighted the potential for it to be misinterpreted. However, whether through poor judgement or reckless risk-taking, that didn’t happen. To the nation’s credit, as soon as it was revealed in public, it was questioned and hammered from all sides.

The most foolish response was the initial one from the Dunedin City Council, as it continued to deny even the merest possibility of racial overtones “between the lines” of the campaign. There was no intent, but it was poor judgement to not admit there was a degree of ambivalence in the words. As Richard Boock put it succinctly in the Sunday Star-Times: “It might have even been funny had officials reacted with enough alacrity to dismiss the idea as an unfortunate gaffe when they had the chance last week.” Offence was being taken, whether the Mayor of Dunedin liked it or not, and it would have been a good time to be contrite.

On Saturday night, NZ Cricket’s new public affairs man issued yet another apology to appease the West Indies and its players with NZC CEO Justin Vaughan saying: “I appreciate that it had the potential to be misinterpreted, and I apologise to the West Indies players and officials for any offence taken – none was intended.”

The fact is that the West Indies are a hugely popular side when visiting New Zealand – some of the Beige Brigade’s best cricketing days have been on the bank watching New Zealand thump the men from the Caribbean. It would be a terrible shame for any lingering discontent from a misguided council campaign to overshadow the summer tour, but it will provide a new obsession for the media, rather than banging on about the Stanford-filled pay packets of the West Indies players. One thing is for sure, New Zealand’s cricketing administrators will be walking on eggshells when Chris Gayle, his sunglasses, and his team are here. Look out for some awkward moments – and hysterical headlines.

	Jesse Ryder is a somewhat unknown quantity for Australia © Getty Images

Jesse Ryder is the new messiah of the Black Caps. The New Zealand version of Greg Ritchie is something of an unknown quantity for Australia, and his magnificent timing and utter disdain for bad bowling augurs well if Watson, Clark and Johnson dish up anything short and/or wide. That belligerent streak can be his Achilles heel of course – a la Craig McMillan he tends to occasionally contract a bit of white crease fever that affects his decision-making.

We are going to pick four pace bowlers. We must do so in order to give ourselves a sniff of winning. The sticky weather in Brisbane this week makes it even more likely. The downside of course is that none of them are Richard Hadlee – and not one of them is Shane Bond either. I think it is time we amended the Bring Back Buck banners (a common sight at all NZ sports events, alluding to rugby player Wayne Shelford’s axing from the All Blacks in 1990). Yes, it is time for the Bring Back Bond banners to start appearing with monotonous regularity.

Simon Katich. Are his nicknames really Stiffler and Duck Blaster? Quite odd. More certain is the fact he is ugly but effective in grinding away at one end, while Hayden bludgeons away at the other. Katich is also much more comfortable against Vettori. Brilliantly rebranded as “Simone Cattick” by an Indian journalist during his recent press conference whinge about negative Indian tactics. In the same news item, the two batting Michelles pop up too: Hussey and Clarke. New Zealand couldn’t be beaten by a pack of girls, surely?

We have the best wicketkeeper in the world. Maybe. Of course he is playing as a top-order batsman so his run-making ability needs to take precedence. A savage player on his day, he will be dreaming about Jason Krezja.

Australia is not a Third World country … so Matthew Hayden should feel comfortable. Complacent even. Completely irrelevant but should get a few bites from rabid Indian fans just for mentioning it.

Our top order is made of the wood that Phil Horne was nicknamed after: balsa. In fact if you took a moment to zero in on our most recent 10 opening batting efforts against Australia you would be holding your head in your hands by the end of it. An average first-wicket partnership of 14.8 means the bar is set quite low for the Gabba.

Ricky Ponting is angry. Very angry. Incandescent with rage. He is set to put the devil in Tasmanian Devil. He has the Peter Roebuck voodoo doll in effect. Rumour has it he might even wear that famous gift from his grandmother under his cream Test shirt on Thursday as well: yep, the “Future Australian captain” t-shirt. Hopefully he is distracted enough to not add too many to the pile of runs that sees him sitting pretty as the most prolific scorer of Test runs at the Gabba in history.

New Zealand have not said anything too stupid in the lead-up. The serial offender, coach John Bracewell, appears to have been completely muzzled or perhaps he is speaking in tongues so complicated even journalists can’t crack the code. (Is Braces actually over there?) Of course, the same reporters have manipulated our players' words and headlines to make it sound like we think the Australians used to be good, but now they're rubbish - sample headlines: “Kiwis claim they have the firepower to tackle Oz top order”, “Hands rubbed with glee as empire looks crumbly”, “Black Caps can be number one” and “NZ zero in on Ponting”.

Send me to the New Zealand version of purgatory, but I feel a micron of sympathy for Australian captain Ricky Ponting. As much as I want to believe his decision to bring on part-timers to up the over rate was a purely selfish one, I can't. In hindsight, it was probably a mistake, possibly an error of judgement, but nothing more.

Why would Ponting calculate that the risk of losing the match and series against India was one worth taking in order for him to get onto the Gabba in a fortnight to face Chris Martin? I believe him when he says he made the decision with good intentions and because he felt an obligation to try and get 90 overs into the day's play in order to be seen to "to play the game in the right spirit". He just momentarily forgot that anything not channelled toward winning at all costs is viewed as un-Australian in The Lucky Country.

Batting, not bowling, lost this Test. If we cast our minds back to day 3, Australia scored a meagre 161/8 from 85.4 overs, an indication that their batting lacked intent. Getting run out stupidly for eight in the second innings was probably the most egregious error Ponting made in the match. His side's total of 209 was poor, but nothing to do with counteracting over rates. The Australian side of yesteryear might have got these runs, but batsmen in positions 2-7 failed in the second dig and that is why they lost the Test. Even if Watson and Lee had ripped through India, a total of 300 looked like it was beyond Australia on the fifth day.

Several onlookers were extremely vociferous in their criticisms. Jeff Thomson was easily the most memorable: "Ponting should have just gone for the throat and worried about the consequences later. Surely team management must have had a say in this as well. What a stupid decision it was. On the over-rate, I'd prefer to watch 60 overs of quality rather than 90 overs of crap."

If I was Ponting I would be hacked off if the cuffs to the back of my head were coming from the bloke whose name is on the trophy you're slogging your guts out to win, the bloke who your country's most coveted player award is named after, the bloke who is a highly respected former captain best-placed to empathise with your position, and the bloke who is a director on the board of Cricket Australia. Allan Border is all of these and as such, he should let commentary opportunities involving Australia go by the wayside.

What I am most gobsmacked about is that the omniscient rent-a-quote of Ponting bashing (and post 1960s cricket in general) has yet to vent his spleen. Surely it is time to poke Neil Harvey with a stick and get him to say something outrageous, like he has done so many times before? Something along these lines would be good: “Back when I was playing and Australia was actually quite good at Test cricket we'd have bowled 270 overs on the first day so that we'd never get ourselves into this sort of trouble, especially against a useless team like India. And anyway, it was a hell of a lot hotter over there in my day. Have I told you how good we used to be?”

As a Kiwi, I love it of course: Australians going feral on each other is what we watch for fun on TV here all year in the form of NRL (rugby league), AFL (Aussie Rules) and the A-League (football) so this fits nicely into that genre.

Ponting must be doing something right. His record reads: 48 played, 33 wins, 6 losses, 9 draws. And if Australians are going to start pointing the finger of selfishness, let's just take a moment to remember which ex-captain stood down from his national selection panel role in 2006 just four months after being reappointed because he was too busy, coinciding conveniently with his personal beer sponsor's launch of a beach cricket circuit in a so-called "ambush" of CA's official beer sponsor. Hint: It wasn't Ricky Ponting.

A former New Zealand first-class cricket had an integral role in this week's Melbourne Cup horse race at Flemington. The trainer of Kiwi hope Nom du Jeu was none other than Murray Baker, a legspinner for Central Districts in the 1960s and 70s. It didn't place.

Keep an eye out for another Kiwi cricketer at Flemington on Thursday too – former opener Terry Jarvis is the owner of Rocha, who he bought for $A400,000 in 2007. Rocha lines up in the VRC Oaks, having won the Wakeful Stakes on Saturday.

The Beige Brigade etched another notch on the belt of its cricket periphery with an eye-catching inclusion in The Guardian Weekend edition this week. A feature article on the ills of world cricket? The game’s most magnificent moustaches? An insight into how to create a global cricket supporters' network? No - we were the answer to Q3 of Thomas Eaton's sports quiz on page 118.

Pacey financier and father to a quartet of sons, Geoff Allott is set to become the new general manager of cricket for NZC in March. The new role is the third most important role in the recently restructured organisation behind the CEO and the Chairman. The appointment announcement was fast forwarded after it was leaked to the Dominion Post's Jonathan Millmow on Friday night.

The contenders for Jacob Oram's replacement in the Test team. Babyfaced assassin Tim Southee is likely to come into the XI for Jeetan Patel, but in Oram's position, the jury is out as to whether (a) Grant Elliott is retained; (b) there is set to be a recall for another long individual, Peter Fulton who impressed on the recent New Zealand A tour; or (c) a bolter return for genuine all-rounder James Franklin, set to make his comeback to domestic first-class cricket after a long-term injury.

Otago captain Craig Cumming is a type 1 diabetic. Up until now, slogger Craig McMillan was the only high profile Kiwi cricketer to have publicly acknowledged his wrestle with the condition.

A lack of cricket coverage was credited with a slump in the radio ratings of the country's major sports radio station, the imaginatively-named Radio Sport. The Herald reported: "TRN said Radio Sport is closely tied with cricket, and that causes a natural seasonal shift in figures". After a series of scandalous domestic violence allegations levelled at breakfast host Tony Veitch, he subsequently left his job. His replacement was none other than former opener Mark Richardson who started behind the mic this month.

Merv Hughes has been talking his batting prowess up at the expense of our very own Dipak Patel. He was reported as saying that Michael Clarke’s slog sweep reminded him of himself. “I smacked Patel for five sixes in an over. Thereafter, I called him 6-pack Dipak." Not quite big fella. You hit four sixes in one day in an outrageous knock of 45 at Lancaster Park in 1993 - but only three were off New Zealand's greatest off-spinner of the 1990s. One ended up on the grandstand roof, but he got you out in the end.

New Zealand were embarrassingly scratchy in the first Test against Bangladesh at the magnificently named Bir Shreshtha Shaheed Ruhul Amin Stadium in Chittagong. Redemption can be achieved this week, assuming the rain abates at some point. How? Not by drubbing the "Bangla-Dashers", no, no, no.

Instead I have kicked out Lindsay Crocker and John Bracewell and personally chaired a brutally honest team meeting at the Black Caps’ Dhaka Hilton Hotel. Specific challenges have been issued to each and every player, demanding that they launch an assault on a particular world record and get their names embroidered onto a list somewhere in the Cricinfo archive. Each is a record they will be proud to talk about in the pub whenever they get the chance.

Aaron "Son of Rodney" Redmond: Takes gold in the "slow batting by runs scored" category. He makes it through the first session of the Test - 120 minutes - and goes for a sumptuous lunch of jet planes and pasta, pumped up and on 0*. In the process, Christchurch financier Geoff Allott is knocked off the top of the chart. Against South Africa in 98/99, Allott memorably failed to trouble the scorers for a staggering 101 minutes.

Jamie How: Becomes only the second New Zealander after the maestro Glenn Turner (who did it twice) to carry his bat through a completed Test match innings.

Jesse Ryder: Hits 118 and is the first New Zealander to ever make that score. He is tragically run out attempting the first single of his innings.

Ross Taylor: Most fours off consecutive balls. He bashes eight to eclipse the seven smoked by Jayasuriya, Sarwan and Gayle - all players that echo the KFC Kid's approach to batting. Father of Aaron, Rodney Redmond, holds the New Zealand record - blazing five in a row against Majid Khan at Eden Park during "that" innings of 107 on debut.

Brendon McCullum: It meant that just a la indoor cricket there are shattered stumps and vociferous appeals almost every ball, but that’s what Baz needed to do to effect seven stumpings and sneak past India's Kiran More who snared half a dozen back in 1988 against the West Indies.

Daniel Flynn: Becomes the first New Zealander to be out "handled the ball" as an instinctive move to protect his expensive Mancunian orthodontic work goes horribly awry.

Grant Elliott: Blazes 271 at No. 7 to mow down one of Bradman's remaining 1001 cricket records. He doesn't score them quite as elegantly or quite as quickly as the man he replaces on the list.

Daniel Vettori: Slashes backward of point, then delivers a series of top-spin forehands through mid-off to make it through to 202, relegating Jason Gillespie's incredible effort to second in the list of monstrous knocks by a nightwatchman.

Kyle Mills: Grabs 8 for 107 to surpass the best ever bowling effort against Bangladesh by Stuart MacGill (8 for 108) back in 2006. MacGill has a whinge when he hears news his record has been flushed away, saying Bangladesh were a lot weaker this year.

Jeetan Patel: Commonly referred to by the chaps on the Beige Brigade podcast - The BYC - as the world's greatest cricketer, Jeets miraculously joins Wasim Akram, Maurice Allom and Chris Old to become the fourth musketeer in the elite and obscure 5 balls/4 wickets club.

Iain O'Brien: Joins the list as the only New Zealander to bowl unchanged throughout a completed innings. Upon completion, Vettori shakes his hand forcefully and assures the Wellingtonian that he won’t be holding that record for long.

	Daniel Vettori: "The best No. 8 batsman and left-arm spinner in the history of Test cricket" © Getty Images

Greetings from Beige Brigade headquarters in deepest, darkest Karori - a part of New Zealand's capital city that is allegedly the largest suburb in the southern hemisphere. It’s lovely to be with you as the new bloke on Different Strokes.

I put my hairy neck on the line before a ball was bowled in the current battle between the team with a firm grip on the wooden spoon in the half-baked Reliance Mobile Test Championship, and another side in the doldrums of the pecking order and just two spots above.

I still honestly thought New Zealand would swagger across to the People's Republic of Bangladesh, a land of rice and reckless batsmen, and destroy them. And I put it in print, albeit masquerading as the intimate and unspoken thoughts of the New Zealand captain.

But the Bangladashis have played pretty well, and the Black Caps (who wear a uniform that might be dark blue) have been a little less than ordinary. The defeat in the one-dayer to start the series was certainly ignominious, and the win completed in the last 24 hours is my nomination for the most painful New Zealand victory in our history of Test cricket.

If I was fair and took off my Ray-Bans to run a few numbers through the abacus, comparing the Test records of the Tigers and the Kiwis man-for-man is a surprisingly sobering task, even for a Beige Brigadier surrounded by amber liquid of various sorts, and theoretically wallowing in a rare New Zealand Test victory.

Witness an analysis using HowSTAT's "team comparison" function, a lick of my own gut feel from watching the grinding series on the gogglebox, and a dash of jiggery pokery.

Redmond v Tamim: These forward defensive addicts have both had less than 10 innings in Test cricket – but Tamim averages 25.33 to Redmond's 19.00. Bangladesh 1, NZ 0.

How v Siddique: Jamie H has this one for New Zealand. The Bengali may have peaked in the one-dayers but with just six runs in the Test, and a total batting existence of just 14 balls. B 1, NZ 1.

Ryder v Saleh: The ‘Deshi is a veteran compared to the media magnet frame of Jesse Ryder. By the end of their respective careers, the Kiwi will have a greater impact on the cricket scene than his rival - but not yet. I'm copping out - this one's a draw. B 1, NZ 1.

Taylor v Ashraful: Another mismatch in size and appetite - Ashraful plays the million-dollar shot relentlessly, but it only comes off one in a million times. Taylor's been below-par with 21 runs in the test but that is 19 more than his rival. B 1, NZ 2.

Flynn vs Mehrab: Both have demonstrated more grit than the Sahara Desert at times during the series, but this one is Mehrab's at present - his average is a couple of lazy digits better than the young Kiwi left-hander and he scored more runs in the Test. B 2, NZ 2.

McCullum vs Mushfiqur: It is McCullum by miles on paper, but he appears to have been taking batting lessons from the Bangladesh captain over the past few weeks - and he received the worst lbw decision in the history of the game yesterday. The rumour this South Island property magnate is distracted by a looming real estate slump in NZ is probably unfair, but he's had his own little slump this week. B 3, NZ 2.

Oram vs Naeem: Big Jacob Oram should snare the allrounder war, although a quirk of statistics sees recent debutant Naeem with a better bowling average after snaring the scalp of Flynn this week. Both were less than effective with the bat. It's a painful draw. B 3, NZ 2.

Vettori vs Shakib: The best No. 8 batsman and left-arm spinner in the history of Test cricket grabs this one after an unbelievable performance, although the Tiger representative was on the hairy shoulder of the bespectacled Italian with both bat and ball in this match. B3, NZ 3.

Mills v Mortaza: Mortaza by a whisker - 1/50 vs 1/101 in the Test. The heat is obviously getting to the New Zealander who was in a permanent state of perspiration/exasperation at Chittagong. B4, NZ 3.

Patel vs Razzak: Razzak might have been the only Bangladeshi to make the IPL but his Test record is ordinary at best. Wellington's finest claims this one with his 4/120 trumping Razzak's 4/144 match figures. B 4, NZ 4.

O'Brien vs Shahadat: Unfashionable but reliable - the NZ skipper is using O'Brien (famous for looking like Dr Cox from the sit-com Scrubs) as his “banker” in Test matches these days. And he’s delivering with determination in spades. The Kiwi has the edge of the honest toilers here and tips the scales in the Black Caps’ favour by a freckle. B 4, NZ 5.