In theory, England and their new captain are on a roll after beating South Africa in September. While conceding that England looked almost competent during that series, I feel it only reasonable to point out that they win ODIs at home quite regularly and the trouble invariably starts overseas. It’s not so much that the wheels come off when they play abroad as that the wheels fall victim to airport baggage handlers and never arrive.
The dismal history notwithstanding, England fans are obliged to clutch at any straws of optimism which offer themselves before the games get underway and grim reality sets in. We can try hoping that India will be so drained after beating Australia in the Tests that they will do a South Africa and roll over and play dead, but since they are replacing almost the entire batting line-up with fresh faces anxious to impress, it’s a faint hope. However, that means that for the first time in living memory the Indians will not be five times as experienced as our lot and may lose their heads once or twice and give England a chance to blow an easy win rather than being crushed as per usual.
There are seven ODIs to endure, so I suggest we play a bit of bingo to keep our spirits up. Just keep this list handy while you’re watching and see your score mount:
Ian Bell gets well set but fails to push on for a ton - 1
“I’m not thinking about the IPL. I just want to do my best for England." - 1
James Anderson goes for more than 16 in death over - 2
Paul Collingwood drops easy catch - 3
Commentator reacts to above with “You don’t see that very often.” - 1
Yuvraj Singh hits Stuart Broad for six sixes again - 50
Broad hits Yuvraj for six sixes - 100
Patel takes Patel’s wicket - 10
Ravi Bopara makes significant contribution - 25
Ian Botham says that Pietersen should be batting at 3 - 1
Luke Wright plays but scores no runs and doesn’t bowl - 2
Harbhajan Singh hits team-mate - 10
Peter Moores ascribes latest loss to players’ existential angst - 20
Run out as Pietersen attempts impossible single to get off the mark - 2
Fellow-commentator patiently explains Laws to Botham - 5
Three Indian fielders collide underneath Flintoff skier - 3
Alistair Cook plays while series still alive - 50
Umpire Bowden dislocates shoulder while signalling six - 20
Pietersen caught off switch hit - 4
Reference to Stanford as cameras pan across to England WAGs - 1
Batsmen forget about third powerplay (or are all out before taking it) - 10
Play interrupted by insects or birds - 2
David Lloyd mispronounces “Guwahati” - 3
Zaheer Khan gets revenge by bowling Matt Prior with giant jellybean - 40
Steve Harmison bouncer clears boundary - 6
Elephant stops play - 100
Gautam Gambhir given out caught off elbow - 15
Graeme Swann wins car and complains it is neither pink nor Ferrari - 8
England win dead-rubber game - 1
England win game while series is alive - 100
Posted by: Roger@1stSlip at November 13, 2008 9:52 AM
Is 7 ODI's too many ?
Surely 4 or 5 would be quite sufficent.
Will 7 games be an overdose for all involved especially TV fans ?
Posted by: Christopher at November 13, 2008 10:00 AM
For those of us who can't afford Sky, who are the Test Match Special equivalents of Botham and Lloyd please?
Posted by: Gizza at November 13, 2008 10:53 AM
Haha wonderful stuff from Mike. The lack of seriousness in this article makes me think that you're still in Standford party mood.
Posted by: Mike Holmans at November 13, 2008 11:40 AM
@Christopher
Ordinarily, I would suggest Henry Blofeld as the resident idiot, but I doubt he'll be going to India. So you may score for any observation of the relevant gaffe by any member of the TMS team.
@Roger
7 ODIs are far too many, especially when there are only to be two Tests. However, I have been informed that there is a little-known clause in the ICC playing conditions for ODIs which states that all ODI series in India must end with a 4-3 result.
@Gizza
Thanks, although it is more because I find it difficult to take ODIs seriously than a hangover from Stanford.
Posted by: Jagadish at November 13, 2008 4:45 PM
Nice one, Mike.
As for 7 ODIs being two too many, the ECB and the BCCI have had a 3-test 7-odi deal for the past 5-6 years now, right from the 2001/02 series. Surely you don't expect the BCCI to agree to the ECB milking the ODIs for what they're worth when India tours and not expect the same in return! The ECB and the BCCI could have always worked on better scheduling so that this wasn't sandwiched between series against Australia and Pakistan. That's what has resulted in the 2 test series, since England's players wanted to go home for Christmas.
Posted by: Mike Holmans at November 13, 2008 9:03 PM
Jagadish,
India in England is 3/4 Tests and 5 ODIs. The deal isn't quite reciprocal.
The basic difficulty with a 7-game series is that it's all too likely that one side dominates and it just gets repetitive.
Posted by: Jagadish at November 14, 2008 4:07 AM
Mike, the deal has typically been a 3 test 7 odi series. See the Google cache of the ECB media release - "The ECB and the Board of Control for Cricket in India have had a long-standing agreement that India’s tour to the UK would directly reciprocate the three Test matches and seven one-day internationals played by the England team in India earlier this year."
This time, I guess the BCCI told the ECB that the only slot available was between the Aus and Pak series. I don't think anyone needs to defend which one of the 3 is the least important as far as the BCCI and Indian cricket is concerned.
The two boards are basically doing the same thing. The ECB also wants to maximize the revenue it gets from the Indian team. In the case of the BCCI, everyone has a mindset that they're out to kill test cricket.
Posted by: Roger@1stslip at November 14, 2008 10:32 AM
Jagadish,
If the BCCI continue to insist on so many repetitive ODI's, even the Indian fans will eventually get tired of them and they actually risk killing the concept off.
Posted by: Deshi at November 14, 2008 7:53 PM
I was impressed by Ravi Bopara - what an inning! Too bad he is late down the batting order.
Also too many sixes, so bopara making good contribution and umpire dislocating shoulder signalling sixes - predictions are in right direction
Posted by: Nilesh Kulkarni at November 14, 2008 9:40 PM
So hilarious..I laughed my butt off.
I am counting my points already.
Posted by: Debjit Banerjee at November 22, 2008 1:54 AM
Ha ha ha. Loved your list. It surely lightened my mood at office!!! My favorite ones are the Yuvraj and Broad ones along with the shoulder dislocation and patel taking patel's wicket. Looking forward reading good stuff from you again in future. - from an indian who should be working instead of posting here ;-)
Samir Chopra lives in Brooklyn and teaches Computer Science and Philosophy at the City University of New York; his academic interests include the philosophical foundations of artificial intelligence and the politics of technology. In his third undergraduate year, he captained Mathematics in the departmental cricket competition (and lost to Chemistry in the first round). Samir played C-grade cricket in Sydney and makes guest appearances for his old club when possible (and desirable). Samir runs the blog Eye on Cricket and the cricket page at The Faster Times.
Paul Ford is a co-founder of the New Zealand cricket supporters' cult, the Beige Brigade. He was once described by a current New Zealand cricketer as "looking spastic" even mucking about with an Excalibur and a tennis ball in the backyard. Paul bowls right-armed Nathan Astlesque "nudes", his batting would make Ewen Chatfield look elegant, and he is a committed fielder. He sometimes grows a beard to hide his double chin and inhabits a periphery of cricket that Cricinfo is proud to be glimpsing through this blog.
Stephen Gelb grew up in Cape Town, a short walk from the beautiful Newlands ground. Always a better student of the game than player, his passion for cricket survived eight years as a student in Canada, where he learned to love baseball too. He lives in Johannesburg doing economic research at The EDGE Institute and teaching at Wits University.
Mike Holmans, a database consultant by profession, has spent thirty summers (and a few winters) going to the cricket. Brought up in one and working in the other, his dearest wish is for a season to end with Yorkshire winning the county championship by beating runners-up Middlesex by one wicket with five minutes to go. If it’s also a summer when England win the Ashes, so much the better.
Born in Colombo, educated at Oxford and now living in Brisbane - Michael Jeh (Fox) is a cricket lover with a global perspective on the game. An Oxford Blue who played first-class cricket, he is a Playing Member of the MCC and still plays grade cricket. His views on cricket might best be described as those of a "modern traditionalist". Michael now works closely with elite athletes in his job as a manager at Griffith University in Queensland.
Saad Shafqat takes special pride that his cricket-watching life began during the three-month interval between Javed Miandad's debut Test in Lahore and Imran Khan's 12-wicket haul at Sydney. Although a practicing neurologist based in Karachi, cricket has never been far from his activities. He has co-authored Javed Miandad’s autobiography Cutting Edge and has been a contributor to Cricinfo since 2005. His regular column Reverse Swing appears fortnightly in Dawn, Pakistan’s leading English daily.
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