New Zealand were embarrassingly scratchy in the first Test against Bangladesh at the magnificently named Bir Shreshtha Shaheed Ruhul Amin Stadium in Chittagong. Redemption can be achieved this week, assuming the rain abates at some point. How? Not by drubbing the "Bangla-Dashers", no, no, no.
Instead I have kicked out Lindsay Crocker and John Bracewell and personally chaired a brutally honest team meeting at the Black Caps’ Dhaka Hilton Hotel. Specific challenges have been issued to each and every player, demanding that they launch an assault on a particular world record and get their names embroidered onto a list somewhere in the Cricinfo archive. Each is a record they will be proud to talk about in the pub whenever they get the chance.
Aaron "Son of Rodney" Redmond: Takes gold in the "slow batting by runs scored" category. He makes it through the first session of the Test - 120 minutes - and goes for a sumptuous lunch of jet planes and pasta, pumped up and on 0*. In the process, Christchurch financier Geoff Allott is knocked off the top of the chart. Against South Africa in 98/99, Allott memorably failed to trouble the scorers for a staggering 101 minutes.
Jamie How: Becomes only the second New Zealander after the maestro Glenn Turner (who did it twice) to carry his bat through a completed Test match innings.
Jesse Ryder: Hits 118 and is the first New Zealander to ever make that score. He is tragically run out attempting the first single of his innings.
Ross Taylor: Most fours off consecutive balls. He bashes eight to eclipse the seven smoked by Jayasuriya, Sarwan and Gayle - all players that echo the KFC Kid's approach to batting. Father of Aaron, Rodney Redmond, holds the New Zealand record - blazing five in a row against Majid Khan at Eden Park during "that" innings of 107 on debut.
Brendon McCullum: It meant that just a la indoor cricket there are shattered stumps and vociferous appeals almost every ball, but that’s what Baz needed to do to effect seven stumpings and sneak past India's Kiran More who snared half a dozen back in 1988 against the West Indies.
Daniel Flynn: Becomes the first New Zealander to be out "handled the ball" as an instinctive move to protect his expensive Mancunian orthodontic work goes horribly awry.
Grant Elliott: Blazes 271 at No. 7 to mow down one of Bradman's remaining 1001 cricket records. He doesn't score them quite as elegantly or quite as quickly as the man he replaces on the list.
Daniel Vettori: Slashes backward of point, then delivers a series of top-spin forehands through mid-off to make it through to 202, relegating Jason Gillespie's incredible effort to second in the list of monstrous knocks by a nightwatchman.
Kyle Mills: Grabs 8 for 107 to surpass the best ever bowling effort against Bangladesh by Stuart MacGill (8 for 108) back in 2006. MacGill has a whinge when he hears news his record has been flushed away, saying Bangladesh were a lot weaker this year.
Iain O'Brien: Joins the list as the only New Zealander to bowl unchanged throughout a completed innings. Upon completion, Vettori shakes his hand forcefully and assures the Wellingtonian that he won’t be holding that record for long.
What is this bloke on about? Is he trying to create humour at the expense of the Black Caps? Whatever the intentions are, it isn't funny, more like pathetic.
Posted by: Slog at October 27, 2008 5:58 AM
It was nice enough trying to make light of the situation. I kept reading it to the end. But I think these times call for drastic measures. New Zealand cricket is in big trouble. If they struggle to beat Bangladesh, what's going to happen in Australia...though to be fair, Australia too nearly lost to Bangladesh on their soil. Nevertheless, New Zealand cricket is in dire straits, and I think it's time for a blog to seriously discuss their problems.
Posted by: Stonygrangey at October 27, 2008 7:31 AM
Nice one! Funny and also well researched, making it a good cricketer's laugh. These other guys really should get over it, i mean its not supposed to be serious! Its a marvellous piece, super effort that. Bravo! (not dwayne)
Posted by: Marcus at October 27, 2008 10:26 AM
I think we should remember that this is a rebuilding side- Flynn, Taylor and Ryder are all under 25, and How's the most-capped batsman with something like 12 caps. But the entire batting order showed signs of great maturity in the second innings, so I don't think the situation in New Zealand is all that dire. I'm still expecting them to perform well against the West Indies and India at home in the coming months, and I don't think they'll humiliate themselves against Australia either.
Posted by: Vin at October 27, 2008 10:29 AM
Adhil? If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!
Very good Paul and well done with the research. Especially like Ryder's 118, heh. What a random score to never have been scored!
Posted by: John Turnip at October 27, 2008 10:35 AM
The Black Caps shouldn't be taken seriously, they only start losing.
Posted by: Beige HQ at October 27, 2008 11:20 AM
Adhil: Take your confused self away to find your sense of humour then pop back for a visit.
Slog: If you want to discuss the serious problems New Zealand has, this is probably not the place to do it unless you have had a couple of jars.
Posted by: nedz at October 27, 2008 11:28 AM
i think the boys may have achieved a record last game having their traditional batting collaspe in the first innings and scoring more in the second innings to ironically win them the game...?
Posted by: Saad at October 27, 2008 1:41 PM
I am a Bangladeshi, and the blazing difference between the two sides in the first test (to me) was the ability of learning. The BlackCaps are a fantastic learner; they adapted to the situation quite nicely and they rather checked their natural stroke playing instincts and did not throw any wicket (maybe except Ross Taylor).
Posted by: dan b at October 27, 2008 4:44 PM
Hard to believe anyone thought this was a serious dig at the Black Caps . . . yeesh. Good stuff, Paul. Nice way to give the lads some goals in this time-deficient affair.
Posted by: Ben at October 28, 2008 2:58 AM
Very nice Paul. I like to believe that the rag-tag crew that make up the current Black Caps are capable of something special, even if it is something left-field.
Posted by: Phil at October 28, 2008 3:03 AM
I'm with Adhil on this one. Citing a slightly known (but certainly not unknown) fact does not equate to well researched and it was simply not funny.
And Marcus, NZ have been "rebuilding" for at least the last ten years.
Posted by: Nick at October 28, 2008 4:06 AM
Nice dig at McGill
Posted by: Beige HQ at October 28, 2008 5:53 AM
Phil - It is not meant to be funny - it is life and death stuff and a deadly serious analysis of realistic targets for New Zealand to aspire to.
Posted by: waterbuffalo at October 29, 2008 8:54 AM
Don't worry, New Zealand, there is always Pakistan to play if Bangladesh is too easy or too boring. I am sure they can find space in their calender for the likes of you.
Posted by: Reg Corres at October 29, 2008 11:54 AM
Still cannot believe Dizzy got double century. Just a pitty C Martin is not over there, he would back himself for a 50 surely...
Posted by: Haydos at November 2, 2008 11:40 AM
Phil / Adhil need to have a few jars themselves and chill down
Posted by: obi wan kenobi at November 4, 2008 9:04 AM
This guy is awesome-best sense of humour, if he knew the bangladesh team as well as the Nz team we'd have twice the fun. Keep going-Adhil and phil need to enjoy cricket
Samir Chopra lives in Brooklyn and teaches Computer Science and Philosophy at the City University of New York; his academic interests include the philosophical foundations of artificial intelligence and the politics of technology. In his third undergraduate year, he captained Mathematics in the departmental cricket competition (and lost to Chemistry in the first round). Samir played C-grade cricket in Sydney and makes guest appearances for his old club when possible (and desirable). Samir runs the blog Eye on Cricket and the cricket page at The Faster Times.
Paul Ford is a co-founder of the New Zealand cricket supporters' cult, the Beige Brigade. He was once described by a current New Zealand cricketer as "looking spastic" even mucking about with an Excalibur and a tennis ball in the backyard. Paul bowls right-armed Nathan Astlesque "nudes", his batting would make Ewen Chatfield look elegant, and he is a committed fielder. He sometimes grows a beard to hide his double chin and inhabits a periphery of cricket that Cricinfo is proud to be glimpsing through this blog.
Stephen Gelb grew up in Cape Town, a short walk from the beautiful Newlands ground. Always a better student of the game than player, his passion for cricket survived eight years as a student in Canada, where he learned to love baseball too. He lives in Johannesburg doing economic research at The EDGE Institute and teaching at Wits University.
Mike Holmans, a database consultant by profession, has spent thirty summers (and a few winters) going to the cricket. Brought up in one and working in the other, his dearest wish is for a season to end with Yorkshire winning the county championship by beating runners-up Middlesex by one wicket with five minutes to go. If it’s also a summer when England win the Ashes, so much the better.
Born in Colombo, educated at Oxford and now living in Brisbane - Michael Jeh (Fox) is a cricket lover with a global perspective on the game. An Oxford Blue who played first-class cricket, he is a Playing Member of the MCC and still plays grade cricket. His views on cricket might best be described as those of a "modern traditionalist". Michael now works closely with elite athletes in his job as a manager at Griffith University in Queensland.
Saad Shafqat takes special pride that his cricket-watching life began during the three-month interval between Javed Miandad's debut Test in Lahore and Imran Khan's 12-wicket haul at Sydney. Although a practicing neurologist based in Karachi, cricket has never been far from his activities. He has co-authored Javed Miandad’s autobiography Cutting Edge and has been a contributor to Cricinfo since 2005. His regular column Reverse Swing appears fortnightly in Dawn, Pakistan’s leading English daily.
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