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October 10, 2009
Posted by Andy Zaltzman on 10/10/2009
Spaghetti Bolognaise with a side of moral quandary
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In the all-you-can-stomach fashion of modern cricket, no sooner has one major (or, more appropriately, quite major) tournament been whisked off your plate, than another is slopped onto it. The Champions Trophy left the customer neither wanting more, nor regretting his meal choice. It was an adequate spaghetti Bolognese of a tournament, befitting the current adequacy of international cricket. The fleeting hope of England fluking a major one-day trophy was snuffed out like the cheap imitation candle it was. Australia were excellent – the divots in their scalps from the head scratching they must have endured over how they lost the Ashes must be reaching close to skull level.
The absence of so many top players from all or some of the competition left it appearing a little mundane, and the fact that a new-look Australia won their semi-final and final so easily raised questions about the overall standard and depth of the world game. This year’s ICC World XIs are not exactly replete with must-see legends of the sport. A generation of modern greats has been gradually leaving the game in recent years – the new as-yet-unspectacular generation of cricketers understandably feels a little pedestrian by comparison.
For Mitchell Johnson to be named cricketer of the year, having flunked his biggest exam, shows that that the cupboard of cricketing greatness is largely bare. Paul Harris is rated the seventh best bowler on the planet in the ICC Test rankings. Yes, he is a steady performer, underrated by much of the cricket media, unfairly lampooned by English commentators in 2008. But the seventh best in the world? If Harris was playing an impromptu game in the street outside your house, would you watch? You might take a peek through the window, but you probably wouldn’t actually go outside.
Ten years ago the top eight bowlers in the rankings were, in order, Donald, Pollock, McGrath, Ambrose, Murali, Walsh, Kumble and Akram. All greats of the game, all bar Kumble averaging in the mid-to-low 20s, all bowlers who made batsmen pick nervously at their lucky omelette on the first morning of a Test.
This week, the top eight are: Steyn, Murali, Johnson, Ntini, Harbhajan, Clark, Harris and Zaheer. All good bowlers, but today’s batsmen wolf their omelettes down with relative confidence.
The batting (perhaps understandably) is in better shape, but to illustrate the lack of invigorating young blood being transfused into cricket, only one of the top 30-ranked Test batsmen is under the age of 25 (number 27, Alistair Cook, another who is not the kind of player to cause turnstiles sleepless nights). Perhaps more revealingly, only nine of the top 30 are under the age of 30, and just five have made their debuts since the start of 2005.
At some point, if time, work and wife permit, I will see how this compares with previous points in cricketing history – perhaps this is not unusual, perhaps it is just a slight quirk, but it seems to me that cricket urgently needs some new world stars to emerge in the threatened Test arena. For now, I challenge you to list 10 players currently under the age of 25 who will be welcomed to the wicket in their final Test with a guard of honour in recognition of their immortal services to the game. Anyone who correctly predicts all 10 will win a papier-mache macquette of Lalit Modi counting a colossal pile of Twenty20 cash in his garden shed. Results to be confirmed in the year 2029.
The Champions League Twenty20 has instantly replaced the Champions Trophy. To be honest with you, I had forgotten about this tournament. To be fair to the CLT20, however, I have forgotten many things in my life, including:
− almost everything I learnt at school and university
− almost everything I have ever learnt that is neither a sporting statistic nor the name of one of my children (the latter being an impressive feat, bearing in mind that I have not had them tattooed on me, so have to rely purely on my capacity for mental recall)
− where I left my keys this morning
− my own birthday
− why aeroplanes work, and
− who ultimately admitted to being afraid of the Big Bad Wolf.
As a neutral with no particular allegiance to any of the teams involved, and insufficient space in my diary and brain to invite another cricketing tournament to roost, my interest in the tournament is largely restricted to any evidence it may offer regarding whether Test cricket is doomed, and if it is, how soon that doom may loom.
For me, the highlights of the Champions Trophy were the complex moral and philosophical quandaries Andrew Strauss had to confront. Strauss played good cop in recalling Angelo Mathews after a mid-pitch collision led to a run-out, but bad cop in refusing Graeme Smith a runner after the poor big lambkin pulled up lame after a long day outdoors running around a bit. I think he was right on both counts, although I would have liked to see the England captain demand that Smith find a runner of near-identical build. Or that AB de Villiers be forced to put on extra clothing until he reached the same weight and girth as Smith. This in turn could have led to highly entertaining disputes about exactly how chunky the South African skipper currently is, with umpires having to measure with calipers the exact span of Smith’s tummy.
Cricket has always been a moral maze – should you walk when you snick one to the keeper? Should the fielder appeal for a catch when he knows that the ball bounced three times before it reached him? Should the umpire give a leg-before-wicket decision against a batsman who he thinks might be sleeping with his wife, even when he knows: (a) that the ball pitched marginally outside leg stump; (b) that his wife’s infidelity is the direct result of his own obsession with umpiring, leaving her feeling unwanted, unloved and used (how many evenings a week can a husband reasonably expect a wife to stand with pads on putting her legs in front of moving objects?); and (c) that the alleged Lothario batsman was at the non-striker’s end?
Over the weekend I will concoct some hypothetical scenarios to test your cricketing morality, including whether or not you should tell an opposition bowler that he is about to be eaten by a bear.
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Posted by: rahul on 10/10/2009
1st comment and nice article
Posted by: Shafiq on 10/10/2009
I can see these guys having a stylish good bye test....I feel proud to have few pakistani names in the list...
Muhammad Aamir
Umer Akmal
Mendis
Mathews
Warner
Develliors
Roit Sharma
I am sure i am missing few Aussies, SA, WI and Indians...
Plz also keep an eye on
Fawad Alam & Umer Amin from Pakistan
Posted by: surya on 10/10/2009
i have always been a big fan of your writing and your ability to combine pure unadulterated humour with cricket.but having said that,i find even you giving in to the common stereotypes of an english journalist..Be it the obsession towards abstract aesthetics or the notion that no other series deserves to exist save the ashes,u seem to be nearing the characteristics of a typical englishmen as i said..i completely empathise with your fear of the extinction of test cricket which looks rather possible but as your fan i found it necessary to point out a couple of things very MINUTE, to you..yes,bowlers no longer are comparable to the 90's men but their committment cant be questioned generally
Posted by: Eddie on 10/10/2009
Fantastic article, I really enjoyed it but I would just like to point out one thing regarding the test bowling rankings. When you speak about how great the top ten of ten years ago was you have the advantage of hindsight for all you know Steyn or even Harris could become a legend of the game. Your article still had me in hysterics but I did find it unfair to make that judgment when these bowlers still have large chunks of their careers left.
Posted by: avinash on 10/10/2009
i am not sure who does Shafiq mean by 'develliors' but i would go with:
AB de Villiers
Phil Jacques
Mendis
and umm thats it. ya you are right the future of cricket looks to be going to the dogs.
Posted by: Me on 10/10/2009
Surely Johnson's big test was against the 1st/2nd best test side in teh wold at that time Soth Africa, rather thanagainst the 4th/5th?
Did he not pass that?
cheers
Posted by: Sam on 10/10/2009
Challenge accepted:
Bopara (fingers crossed), Broad (hopefully), Cook, Parnell, Mohammad Aamer, Sharma (probably), Mendis (surely), Shakib Al Hasan, Raina and Siddle.
If you'd asked 5 days ago I could have gone for M Morkel as well.
Posted by: sara on 10/10/2009
you forgot to mention ab de villiers who is ranked number 13 in the test rankings and he is 25
Posted by: jalps on 10/10/2009
How can you ask for 10 players, surely that should be 11? On the assumption that this is a mere aberration on your part I give you my under 25 'Future Greats' XI, it's only a little bowler and English heavy:
Fawad Alam
Phillip Hughes
Alastair Cook*
Callum Ferguson
Craig Kieswetter
Adil Rashid
Shakib Al Hasan
Stuart Broad
Wayne Parnell
Ishant Sharma
Ajantha Mendis
*for captaining the England side to a record 5th Ashes victory
Posted by: Aubs on 10/11/2009
Couldn't agree more about the current lack of superstars in the game at the moment. Once Murali & Ponting retire there will be no 'greats' left in the game, just a lot of teams with average to good players. I guess some players may go on to be greats, like Steyn, Johnson, de Villiers, Mendis, Sharma, Dhoni, Ghambir, Asif. And there are a few who are just tetering on the edge of being great, e.g. Pieterson, Sangakarra, Clarke, Jaywardene, Younis, Chanderpaul. But no one who is truly a great of the game, that makes you genuinely excited to watch them perform, is in the game at the moment.
Posted by: terry.fez on 10/11/2009
As always, very funny.
Posted by: Graham on 10/12/2009
I accept your challenge Master Zaltzman.
I'm including players who turn/ed 25 this year in this list:
Ishant Sharma (India)
Phil Jacques (Australia)
J.P. Duminy (South Africa)
A.B. De Villiers (South Africa)
Dinesh Karthik (India)
Ross Taylor (New Zealand)
Ajantha Mendis (Sri Lanka)
Peter Siddle (Australia)
And a couple out of the box:
Tim Paine (Australia)
Moises Henriques (Australia)
I look forward to using Modi as a pinata.
Posted by: Neil on 10/12/2009
Regarding Smith, surely Kallis could pass for a body double? We could have had an interesting scenario involving a see-saw to determine which of these "burly" chaps is indeed the burliest.
Posted by: Squishy on 10/12/2009
I'll take up the challenge too. Under 25 is difficult, due to their lack of exposure, but let's see, shall we? (NB: AB de Villiers has been left out, since he's not under 25)
Aus:
Phil Hughes
Moises Henriques
England:
Stuart Broad
Bangladesh:
Shakib al Hasan
Posted by: Squishy on 10/12/2009
I'll take up the challenge too. Under 25 is difficult, due to their lack of exposure, but let's see, shall we?
Aus:
Phil Hughes
Moises Henriques
Tim Paine
Steven Smith (there's a punt for you!)
England:
Stuart Broad
Bangladesh:
Shakib al Hasan
Mushfiqur Rahim
Tamim Iqbal
Pakistan:
Mohammad Aamer
That's 9 out of 10. If we extend to anybody born in 1984 or later:
AB de Villiers
JP Duminy
Ross Taylor
Jesse Ryder
Mohammad Ashraful
Umar Gul
Tatenda Taibu (the world's truest all-rounder) is 26, not exactly old-man material. The only reason he may not be given a guard of honour in his final Test is because Zimbabwe are unlikely to see another Test in his career lifetime.
There is still a lot of young talent in the world. It might not be as obvious, due to the amount of cricket being played, and the ridiculous demands being made of players to have a separate playing style for each type of game, but the world's not in that bad shape.
Posted by: Ashok Sridharan on 10/12/2009
Interesting article. Looking at the Top-8, I suddenly realised how far the quality of bowling has declined- 'though in all fairness, a part could also be attributed to the poor quality of pitches today (do I hear 'dead as a dodo' somewhere)?
Incidentally, I seriously doubt (as an Indian supporter) whether Rohit Sharma has it in him to make it to the land of the greats. He has the class no doubt, but the temperament is where he's left more questions hanging than the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.
Posted by: Moemz on 10/12/2009
What about JP Duminy?
Posted by: Sporting Chameleon on 10/12/2009
Great article as always Andy.
Already worrying about the demise of test cricket and its future replacement by T20, now you've got me fearing that all the cricketers will be rubbish soon.
In response to Me who said: "Surely Johnson's big test was against the 1st/2nd best test side in teh wold at that time Soth Africa, rather thanagainst the 4th/5th?
Did he not pass that?"
He did pass that test, but ask the Australian team or any Australian for that matter if they would rather win the Ashes or beat South Africa and there is only one winner.
Posted by: Zeeshan on 10/12/2009
I would go with
Aamer
Duminy
Mendis
Parnell
de villiers
Sharma (proabably going to be one of those unfulfilled promises)
Akmal
you are right, it is difficult to name 10 at this point of time.
Posted by: Rory on 10/13/2009
De Viliiers and Duminy. Nuff said.
Posted by: Skidadled on 10/14/2009
Hilarious article...
Posted by: cricketmad on 10/14/2009
Indeed, some of the commentors' choices have left me in splits:
Tatenda Taibu: Are you crazy?
Dinesh Kartik: I'll die laughing
Ok, now let me add my own madcap flavor to this:
Yusuf Pathan: One of the few spinners who cant spin the ball
Praveen Kumar: The slowest fast bowler on the planet, true descendant of super-slomo Venky Prasad
Dilhara Fernando: Somehow, he always looks like he'll shatter all the stumps, but never manages to
etc.etc.
Posted by: Shafiq on 10/15/2009
@Avinash
Lolz. I meant the same like you abt AB De Vel--- And Rohit Sharma.
Posted by: dj 3 weeks, 6 days ago
Umar Akmal
Umar Gul
Mohammad Aamer
AB de Villiers
JP Duminy
Ross taylor
Stuart Broad
Wayne Parnell
would be somewhere close to that status
Shakib al Hasan is doubtful because of number of tests bangladesh play
Mohammad Ashraful temperament is the issue
being a sri lankan i would advise you to keep an eye out for
Dinesh Chandimal
Angelo Perera
Kusal Perera
Posted by: crick 3 weeks, 6 days ago
@cricktedmad
fyi Yusuf Pathan is a batsman,Kumar swings the ball both ways & has got some wickets.Taibu has done well but his temperament is in question,while he has done a lot for zimbamwian cricket,that itself should get himself some recognition.
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Andy Zaltzman was born in obscurity in 1974. He has been a sporadically-acclaimed stand-up comedian since 1999, and has appeared regularly on BBC Radio 4. He is currently one half of TimesOnline’s hit satirical podcast The Bugle, alongside John Oliver (The Daily Show with John Stewart). He also writes for The Times newspaper, and is the author of Does Anything Eat Bankers? (And 53 Other Indispensable Questions For The Credit Crunched).
Zaltzman’s love of cricket outshone his aptitude for the game by a humiliating margin. He once scored 6 in 75 minutes in an Under-15 match, and failed to hit a six between the ages of 9 and 23. He would have been ideally suited to Tests, had not a congenital defect left him unable to play the game to anything above genuine village standard. Aged 21, when fielding at deep midwicket, he dropped the same batsman three times in fifteen minutes, and has not been selected by England before or since
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- The Official Confectionery Stall Cricketing Morality Challenge
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- England's one-day masterplan
- Getting the choke out of the way
- 'Stalled' from doing the Ashes review
- A frisky evening with Statsguru
- England set for oddest Ashes win
- Fancy England scoring 1003 to win
- England's win and Ricky's flight to Argentina
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