Thanks a lot again Andy. cant remember laughing so much @ time

How about a post-1981 Dull XI world championship decider: the Zaltzman Zenith XI (your team) against any Bangladesh XI you care to name since that sea-level land first gained Test status? I nominate the Bangladesh team for dullness because of it's tediously predictable tendency to lose every Test it plays. I'm all for the minnows and one day they may achieve great things (with a 150 million cricket loving population, they have an advantage the island nations lack). But watching Bangladesh play Test cricket is like watching the EastEnders omnibus after you've already watched all the episodes in the week: you know how it'll end before you begin. Although to be fair the EastEnders omnibus does at least tend to last longer than a Test match involving Bangladesh.

Here's my Indian Dull XI (albeit post-1981 as well):
SS Das, SB Bangar, S Manjrekar, Yashpal Sharma, AD Gaekwad (captain), RJ Shastri, D Dasgupta(wk), M Prabhakar, Maninder Singh, RK Chauhan, T Yohannan (the only one included despite only playing 3 tests for his incredibly numbing bowling!)

thanks andy.and how about an article on umpires
starting from Rudi Koertzen and Steve Bucknor

i was rolling on the floor laughing through the entire article!!u gave my dull day of work half an hour of laugh n fun! Thanks a lot Andy..

cheers,
Ganesh,
chennai,India

Andy - you outdo yourself once again. I just wish we could have your column on daily basis but the fear of attracting the wrath of the Zaltman household makes me hold my tongue.

"Rumour has it that, when facing Chatfield, batsmen would smash themselves on the toes with their bats so that the pain would keep them awake at the crease."

haha hilarious.

It's only looking at the whole team that I see the lack of an obvious captain (let's face it Tavare only gets the captaincy because of a little bit of Kentish bias)- surely Mike Brearley deserves a place. Yes it's a technicality (he played his last test in 1981) and yes his captaincy was positively exciting but this is a man who not only scored his test runs even more slowly than Tavare but also managed a spectacularly dull 45 runs per 100 balls in his 25 one day internationals.

Great blog - keep it coming!

Thankfully my prediction was correct: You won't find a single WI player on these lists - not these guys...they'd rather be flashy and throw their wickets away than sit there and hold the fort!

Andy ..good one but i cannot agree with you on Jack Russell atleast on the innings you have mentioned..match saving innings are never boring mainly when it involves a tailender actually it is more exciting to watch..but i should agree on one thing zaltzman you are funny man

Zaltzman, just wanted to point out that not all Post-Kirmani and Pre-Dhoni Indian stumpers were dull. Dinesh Karthik is highly entertaining - either he pulls off brilliant stumpings or showcases sorry bye-giving. His batting his kamikaze, too. Dhoni is a comparitively dull keeper and the recent version of Dhoni is also a nudger and grinder compared to Karthik. So you weree basically wrong on that count. You are thinking of the Dhoni of 3 years ago when he was a swashbuckling batsman. Also, Dhoni gets additional points for his captiancy in which he reduces the game to unwatchable regularly by his off-theory. Dhoni(current version) would have been a worthy keeper-captain in your XI.

Sheer brilliance AZ! Laughed until I broke wind.
How about a list of dullest/most painful cricket commentators? Criteria: verbalisation of what is clearly viewable on-screen; incessant repetition; irrelevant anecdotes; lacklustre analysis; zero viewer rapport.
I'll kick off with Mark Nicholas as an automatic choice. The yawning yarning of this unequaled international non-achiever works better than chloroform. I often resort to rubbing salt & vinegar into my jockstrap-chaffed groin to keep me awake during his shift...

i know you consciously tried to avoid newzealanders, but how did you miss out on all four of wibbly wobbly dibbly dobbly? ok harris could be an exciting batsman but what did latham, larsen and watson do to not get on this list?

lolrotf....
Since I have not seen most of the guys playing.. I would so much love to read about the most boring commentators.. I bet quite a few of the current era would make it to the list... Arun Lal, Dilhara Fernando, Athar Ali Khan... and I would love to read your comments about them!!

ChooForTwentyChoo - "One could say that" Ranjit Fernando is an automatic choice as well. Sunil Gavaskar is also one of the most rubbish commentators i've had the displeasure of listening to!

get your dose of unlimited, splendid confections (even for non sweet lovers like me)
cheers zaltzman

I distinctively remember Shastri charge the bowler to about half crease and then kill the ball at his feet. Why charge the bowler if you are not going to hit an aggressive stroke. We kids called it the 'deadpan' stroke!

Penetration of an inebriated eunuch................doesn't get any better.

The article was truly brilliant, but I must point out something. Asif Mujtaba disqualifies himself after having hit a last ball 6 of Steve Waugh In Australia to tie a one day game...back in the mid 90's sometime. Fancy that- a last ball 6. Maybe Shastri could be on this list twice....

Tony Greig as the world's most painful-to-listen-to commentator. What about Chris Pringle as a bowler? He was the archetypal Kiwi trundler. He should get in ahead of Ewen Chatfield. At least Chatfield had one of the great droopy moustaches of the 1980s.

IT's allright. Not that funny as some of you deem it to be

Great List!!! You must have spent couple of years on selecting this list after watching all of their career highlight videos.

Notable Mentions Omitted: Dilip Doshi, a master of economical bowling.

He once took a fabled 8-7-1-1 in a Sunday League match for Notts against Northants and was left out of the county's next game.

Inzamam Ul Haq would make it to the DULL List any time.

The only means of stopping myself from laughing was, stop reading. You could surely add a list of umpires, hellbent on giving decisions which would force ICC to adopt for 3 reviews/decision(including extras).

And we wonder why no one turns up for test cricket. We have 12 good reasons above. Boycott and Tavare batting together is of course a exercise in watching paint dry

And we wonder why no one turns up for test cricket. We have 12 good reasons above. Boycott and Tavare batting together is of course a exercise in watching paint dry

Man, you are too good. Couldnt help laughing out loud at work. Good work, Andy.

You guyz who think Tony Greig and Sunny Gavaskar are the "worst" commentators are surely in the minority. Tony Greig is one of the best; Gavaskar is decent. For a long time, I thought the title belonged to Ranjit Fernando, till I heard the sing-song commentary of Russel Arnold in the pak-sl series.

Great list, both funny and perceptive. Brings back memories of Tavare at Perth. For the record, I know of a couple of innings slower than Russell's, both by Herbie Collins in the 1920s. At Old Trafford in 1921, he scored 40 off 340 balls, and at Lord's in 1926, 24 off 195 balls. At the Oval that year, Collins backed this up by facing 200 balls before hitting his first boundary. None of these, however, are quite as slow as Hanif Mohammad's 20 off 223 balls at Lord's in 1954.

Like many others, I was laughing out loud when I read some of the descriptions. I can think of many candidates, such as some of England's inept all-rounders following Botham - giants such as Miller, Capel and Pringle, all of whom gave the spectator the opportunity to go to the bar whenever they came on to bat or bowl. I do have to disagree with Jack Russell as wk though. You seem to include him solely on account of his sometimes tedious batting, but as a man and a wk he was hugely entertaining. We need an effective but boring man who stops most things but rarely if ever makes spectacular dismissals. Someone with Alec Stewart's ability behind the stumps but Russell's batsmanship. Any ideas? Bruce French perhaps? Paul Downton?
French has just reminded me of a possible alternative to Tavare. Tim Curtis had an even slower strike rate and was much less effective. He only had a short Test career though. It's certainly a rich field!

Another masterpiece ANDY. however, as a lot of people have suggested in the comments, i would also like to see a list of the most dullest commentators. It would be funny. I can say arun lal, ramiz raja, l. sivaramakrishnan, James brayshaw (the worst of all), bill lawry, etc....

Aamir Sohail for probably the worst and dullest commentator I have heard. Arun Lal is another dull one.

Great series of articles-thoroughly enjoyed them. I beg to differ on Sanjay Manjrekar though-he was at least classically correct.SS Das and Deep Dasgupta are unlucky to miss out.
As for as people despising Mark Nicholas' commentary,obviously you haven't had the joy of listening to Siva reading everything that appears on screen(run rates to the Nth significant digit) and Arun Lal talking about ties and birds. Surely commentators has be next,Andy.

Javed Miandad apparently thought so highly of Ewen Chatfield that he paused midpitch during some drawn-out flogging of the New Zealand attack to offer him a full-time position back home in Karachi - as a replacement for his bowling machine.

howlarious list andy!!! to echo the comment of a previous poster - make this a daily blog!

i think shastri the player has eclipsed shastri the commentator. in my book he's right up there in the dullness stakes in commentary too.

Hilarious .. just loved your monikers and adjectives !!

'the control of a tantric Casanova, but the penetration of an inebriated eunuch.' Just brilliant.

Here's my all time world dull XI:

1)Gordon Greenidge
2)Matthew Hayden
3)Brian Lara
4)Sachin Tendulkar
5)Viv Richards
6)Gary Sobers
7)Adam Gilchrist
8)Wasim Akram
9)Shane Warne
10)Malcolm Marshall
11)Dennis Lillee

Did I miss anyone?

How about Fazl-e-Akbar to lend more depth and frustration to the lower order? I remember with disconsolate trauma the time he frustrated India in what would later turn out to be the last Test he ever played. To strengthen his case, he has picked 11 Test wickets at a decently-yawnworthy strike rate of 80.

arsgad ayub and rajesh chauhan would give emburey severe competition in dullness sweepstakes. chauhan at least had a nice action but ayub looked as if he was dragging himself to the bowling crease. how about vikram rathore for the opening slot. I know he had a short carreer but it was unmitigated dullness. sanjay bangar is my choice for the allrounder's slot.

Hey, don't forget Asif Mujtaba once hit a big six on the last ball of ODI off Steve Waugh in Australia and tied the match. Doesn't that disqualify from selection. Mmmm, maybe that's why he's not in regular XI, only 12th man, hehehe!

As most of readers have pointed out Mr Andy we demand the list of dullest commentators,I just cant wait to read it.My Pick will be Aamir Sohail (Thesse Pakistani cricketers.....),Ranjit Fernando,Arun Lal and Maninder Singh(Especially for their hindi commentry)...........

I think you missed Javed Omar Belim..I don't once remember him scoring at more than a strike rate of 50 odd even in One-Dayers against Kenya or Zimbabwe

"I defy any person to concoct any team that could force either a win or A DEFEAT on a flat track against this agglomeration of the adhesive,"

andy, you're a genius, though i think the current bangladeshi squad will achieve the defeat part

Remember Saqlain Mushtaq? Anyone remember him killing a test match by getting a HUGE 58 in more than 200 balls, in what seemed to take the time a snail would take to eat all the grass at the ground? It was not only agonizing to watch, but it made you want to shoot yourself repeatedly in the head...

My Dullest England XI 1981-2008

Qualification criteria:
General: At least 10 matches of mind-numbing tedium
Batsmen: SR less than 40
Bowlers: SR more than 75, Economy Rate less than 3

1. Atherton (Batting SR 37.31)
2. Moxon (Batting SR 33.33)
3. Tavare (Batting SR 30.6)
4. Crawley (Batting SR 39.22)
5. Ramprakash (Batting SR 36.18)
6. Rhodes (Wkt) (Batting SR 31.24)
7. Capel (Batting SR 30.38, Bowling SR 95.2, Bowling Econ 3.19)
8. Emburey (Batting SR 35.6, Bowling SR 104.7, Bowling Econ 2.2)
9. Pringle (Batting SR 28.49, Bowling SR 75.5, Bowling Econ 2.85)
10. Hemmings (Batting SR 40.78, Bowling SR 103.1, Bowling Econ 2.46)
11. Allott (Batting SR 39.81, Bowling SR 85.5, Bowling Econ 2.92)

Average daily score when batting: 187/6
Average opposition score when bowling: 245/5

Average state of spectators watching them: asleep.

* Although Capel gave away runs with abandon (3.19 per over) he's an all-rounder and his snail-like batting more than makes up for this

Yeah, I can think of Arun Lal offering his invaluable piece of wisdom with the gems "He is a fast bowler, he bowls very fast" or "India will win this game if they play well"!!

great article as ever. the alan mullaly career highlight had me in stitches!
i cant believe someones mentioned bill lawry as a boring commentator, he's my favourite one! in fact i think if lawry commentated on andy's dullest XI he could make them sound quite appealing.
Apparently he was one of the most boring batsman of his day though. the journalist Ian Wooldridge referred to him as "a corpse with pads on".
another one of my favourite commentators would be dean jones, and is it javagal srinath who calls every catch of reasonable quality "an absolute blinder!"?

Very nice and funny article. Excellent one in fact. Please do write another one on the most boring commentators. That should also be great to read.

I think there are plenty of traditional English line and length bowlers you have missed out who bowl a million balls on the same spot over and over again. Angus Fraser, Derek Underwood come to my mind. Commentating when these bowlers bowl is a waste of time .. commentators try to describe the same ball in different ways until they run out of vocabulary, patience and simply switch over to other topics.

what about Mudassar nazar,Mark richardson,Akash chopra,shoaib mohammad(like father like son)and Mark dekker(zimbabwean opener).Grant flower too can be there."specialist substitute fielder" ,i m really impressed by ur keen observation as i remember watching Mujtaba throughout my childhood.go for commentetors as well and put the Sunny at top.

Incredibly funny!! You made my stomach churn the whole time around. Read it over twice and couldnt help laughing.Please write more of such stuff, it keeps us going for the morning grind at work.

I cannot believe that having titillated my mind with the thought of Martin Snedden who could actually raise the levels of mental hospital entries with his abjectly tedious bowling that you did not go on to select him. Has anyone ever been quite as unwatchable. Snedds is my man for all seasons in the dull XI. The others seem positively exciting by comparison. Also Matthew Hart( also from Sopophorialand) might rival for a spinner's place. Also who was the dullest keeper behind the stumps? Jack was so mental that he kept me well amused with his antics,notwithstanding that batting.

Come on! Half of these posts have to be by Andy himself. This article is mildly amusing but there's no way this many people could find it to be the funniest thing ever written.

I also don't see why only rapid scoring is entertaining. Seems to me 4 for 64 off 49 overs is pretty effective. I wouldn't mind some of that in the England team right now! A lot more "entertaining" than watching James Anderson.

Top ten dullest commentators would make a fantastic read. Fernando is numero uno for me. His earlier commentating of repeating in nearly similar words what his partner says used to have me in splits. A pakistani commentator from the 80's would also make the cut spectacularly and also Imran Khan. For the Indians Arun Lal,charu sharma, Aussies-Mark Nicholas and Ian healy England-Henry Bloefeld. Windies-Tomy Cozier.

the dullest commentators
charu sharma
arun lal
russel arnold
ranjit fernando
ramiz raja
aamir sohail
sunil gavaskar
ravi shastri
tony greig
maninder sigh
yashpal sharma(last 2 hindi)

Chickenrags - I agree that Lawry is about the best commentator going around (though he was a bit of a tedious batsman in his day). Perhaps jaymin is the most boring cricket fan alive.
Sind - Don't think you missed anyone though possibly could have squeezed Glen McGrath in there somewhere.

The funniest comment was by Sayan! 'India will win this game if they play well'!!! Loll indeed man...

I reckon I could pick a duller eleven than that, even in the same period.

Here goes:
Myself- Drove junior opening bowlers mad with a 46-over, boundary-rare 25 once. Season strike rate of 15. Dropped from my Twenty20 side, despite being team captain, and reinstated in the spinner position.

Boycott- Still playing post 1981, so he still counts.

Border- Mother Mary, what torture it was to watch him bat. Like Waugh after him, epic in his boring-ness.

S. Waugh- Capable of true epics of concentration, which drove many teams to distraction.

Langer- Zzzz. Wrote like he batted. Read his book to know what I mean.

Gibbs- Good to watch in ODIs but demoralising viewing in Tests.

Ganguly- Played like the Wailing Wall for much of his career.

K. Mashud- Anyone who scores 9 off 30 against Zimbabwe is one to avoid.

Brett Lee post '07- Doesn't sledge enough, isn't fast enough, and is too metronomic.

Hauritz and Fraser- Never exciting to watch them bowling, except if carted.

All-time, Trevor Bailey. Watching paint dry never became an issue. Not only was the paint never given an opportunity to be applied, but the lid was never separated from the can!

why is the rawalpindi mail, rao iftikar anjum not on this list? what kind of nonsense is this? how can this be a serious list without ifty in there? he is the dullest bowler pakistan has ever produced (i actually thought he was indian when i first saw him bowl), and is pretty boring off the pitch too - he played league cricket in england and on his days off used to sit in his bedsit watching 'countdown'.

Whilst you're clearly proposing a test match XI, Mujtaba once hit a last-ball six in and against Australia to tie an ODI, and Shastri once hit six sixes in a first-class game, which I think is sufficient to excuse both, replacing them with Shoaib "how did his mother get him out" Mohammad and my mate Faraz Kidwai, who was once forcibly retired out by his own captain after batting into the 30th over for 14* without a single run scored in front of the wicket, even though his dismissal risked losing his team the game. All fourteen runs were singles either edged or tickled to third-man

lol Sind, you only missed Iran Khan and Hadlee

Hi Andy! Great article(s)! We know of your inspiration in batting. Is the writing inspiration from 'Douglas Adams'?
By the way, why not round off the series with Deadly dull: Captain
Commentator
Grounds
Crowd ?

How have you managed to overlook BILL ATHEY?

Dear Andy,
The article is pure gem..really..amazing piece of funny writing. Congratulations. You have set the standards very high for future articles of yours. As per nomination of bowlers I guess one Gevin larson from NZ will be bvery upset with you. He use to bowl 10 harmless overs in ODIs without giving any runs and taking any wickets. His partner in crime was one certain Chris Harris but he was a pretty handy batsmen so that disqualifies him. But really..larson is one gem you missed out on. Also how about Danny morrison i guess proud owner of so many batting ducks that he could open his own poultry farm and ajit agrkar and courtney walsh can give him company as proud co-founders.

How about an entertaining XI from the same era to take them on? My choice:

1. Sanath Jayasuria
2. Virender Sehwag
3. Viv Richards (capt)
4. Kevin Pietersen
5. Shahid Alfridi
6. Ian Botham
7. Adam Gilchrist (wk)
8. Kapil Dev
9. Ian Salisbury
10. Andre Nel
11. Dev Malcolm

The batting line up could, admittedly, self destruct and be all out in no time, but Viv and KP provide some real talent in the middle order and boy would it score fast! Kapil is in at 8 as an all rounder as much for his batting is bowling and with Devon charging in from one end and Andre Nel doing his pantomime villan act from the other with the new ball the bowling would be nothing if not pure entertainment. Oh, and I had to put Ian Salisbury in, just to tempt the Dullest XI boys into upping their run rate.

Great writing, without doubt. However the mention of one man I missed. An honourable mention in my opinion should have gone to RDB Croft. My son and me have often wondered if his - one and only - trick was to bemuse batsmen by bowling straighter than anyone in the business. We have never discovered any turn in any delivery, which we thought was outstanding for a spin bowler. Later on he perfected his bowling by introducing the stand-still-in-mid-delivery ball, which definately should earn him a mention here.

Dullest Commentaters
Sunil Gavaskar is the worst commentator I have ever scene. With his "always negetive", "I am the best" attitudes.
Aamir Sohail is the best sleeping pill in the market!!

Why miss out L Siva in commentary Mani and Sayan, "He is Rohit Sharma, He is a very good. He throws from deep. Flat through", was a slow irresponsible thingy. He threw so slowly that batsman took two runs. And the statement stopped superbly at "he is a very good.." would give a run for Arun Lal. How about Maninder singh's commentary.

can we have similar analysis of other people involved in the game, like dullest/most useless commentator (remember sidhuism), coach, captain@presentation ceremonies (remember azhar'a "we need to bat well, field well and bowl well" in order to win next match", umpires etc etc

great post btw

Commentators... well im not really sure how you would judge dullest, as there are surely millions of dull cricket commentators.
I will have a shot at the worst, and Tony Cozier and Mark Nicholas head my list. Cozier has a remarkable ability to get EVERY SINGLE PLAYERS name wrong over a 5-day game. As for Mark Nicholas...where do I begin, as a Kiwi I hate all of the smug Australian cricket commentators (aww Richie, you are excused) and their constant Australian bias. But Mark Nicholas, for goodness sake, can you please talk about the current game? GILCHRIST AND HAYDEN ARE RETIRED, get over it. I think hes angling for an invitation to "Gillys" house, so he could kiss the great 'keepers jockstrap. Its gotten so bad that he is embarrassing Gilchrist in the commentary box. "Gee Gilly, this Warner fellow looks almost as good as you, all he needs to do is develop your timing and power and toughness and dashing good-looks etc etc..." Gilchrist: "ahem, well I do hope he does well"
Rant Over.

fantastic article.....brilliant stuff and the player profiles had me in stitches....

Now, a word about Asif Mujtaba...good one to have on the list but does have a demirt a having hit a last ball six against steve waugh in australia to tie an ODI...Shoaib Mohammed...Mudassir Nazar...Shahid Nazir...Wajahatullah Wasti and Rao Iftikhar could all have made the cut...Faisal Iqbal could have been in there as well...
Although the likes of Gavin Larson...Rajesh Chauhan...Prabharkar...kumara Dharmasena..Langer..Healy...Kiren More...Atherton....keith Atherton....derek pringle.....mark ramprakash...mark richardson...do deserve honourble mentions..
Commentators:
L shiva...Amir sohail..Maninder singh....Arun Lal...Mark Nichols....and most of all Ranjit fernando can kill any session of play...
Imran Khan would have been on that list but I cant bring myself to do it :).I dont know how he gets himself roped into commentary..my guess is that he just cant be bothered to do a good job with it

No way Jack Russel earns a spot... Shiv's ineligibility clause applies, "too quirky, too good." Also, Asif Mujtaba once hit a last ball six to draw a one dayer in Australia, that's more excitement in a ball than most players generate over their entire careers.
But overall, I don't know how you pulled it off Andy, but you finally managed to make a some funnies after all.

No way Jack Russel earns a spot... Shiv's ineligibility clause applies, "too quirky, too good." Also, Asif Mujtaba once hit a last ball six to draw a one dayer in Australia, that's more excitement in a ball than most players generate over their entire careers.
But overall, I don't know how you pulled it off Andy, but you finally managed to make a some funnies after all.

De-freakin-lightful! This read on the dull eleven lit up my otherwise dull work-day!
Andy, your writings are not just witty but also a thrill to read. I hope never stop writing.

Can we have a World XI made up of the most run-out prone players? Two candidates easily come to mind: Inzi and Javagal Srinath. If I were a opposition team captain or coach and these two were at the crease, I would come up with this guaranteed winning strategy: Simply intentionally let a misfield happen everytime the ball nears a fielder and then take advantage of the inevitable confusion/panic that will result. I can readily visualize Srinath and Inzi both arguing after the eventual runout at 3 possible locations 1) Both end up at bowler's end or 2)keeper's end or 3)both at the centre of the pitch.

Steven, another horror pair would be Ganguly and Laxman. Their calls on the pitch would be akin to a binary pattern -"Yes, No,Yes, No", etc.

Great piece Andy. Only one question I feel is left unanswered... What is an Antarctican train doing near polar bears? The bears live at the north pole...

Fressie, the world is round.