Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa. wat to say man. i don't have words like u ANDY. this article is to much to handle in my office at the start of work. I was drinking my coffee and i reached the point about ravi shastri. when i read ur lines that "if he bowled to himself, cricket would have died" I laughed so hardly that I almost spilled my coffee from my hand. u should have a laughing meter for each of your articles to indicate how funny it is going to be so that poor chaps like me can stay away from the coffee while reading it. even the photograph of hashan has an amazingly funny message with it "THUD. another defensive from hashan." You are the king of comedy without any doubt. I am Indian, living in australia but I have a dream of just being able to meet you once in life, if I can. Kudos to you..... keep up the gr8 work.
PS: can't wait for the next part of this blog.

very funny ...esp boeta's part and bowling at himself (shastri) .....probably gavaskar was a more deserving candidate for making 36 not out off 174 balls in 1975 against england!!!!

Wow you think watching those players is boring.
Took me 5 cups of coffee and a few tea breaks to get through that artical.
It was like a train wreck just couldn't stop looking at it but it was so bad.
I did get close to a chuckle once with the side of 11 kiwis but then I read the names and actually picked out some good players.
Please write some more as I am suffering from insomnia.

Ha ha, Ravi Shastri will talk about his sixes to defend this.

Hilarious!

I look forward to the next installment.

Interesting that your list includes the holder of the record for the fastest double century in first class history and the only man other than Gary Sobers to hit six sixes in six balls in a first class match. Shame he didn't bring that approach to the test arena.

Terrific stuff! I imagine Jason Gillespie is a shoo-in when you finish the XI, perhaps the only time he would be selected mainly for his batting? :-)

loll....extremely funny article.

just a note though....in the asian test championship final.....srilankans never got a lead...pakistan won by a big margin!

Nice Andy. As a Kiwi I should probably feel offended but I can't really argue :)
I will say though tha John Wright went a bit mad towards the end of his career, dusted some shots off and played some stroke-laden innings.

Any list of boring batsmen needs Kallis on it.
If my life depended on it I would be happy to have him bat for me but watching him bat takes away my will to live.

My only criticism would be that calling his Boycottness a Sultan sounds overly exotic for a man hailing from Fitzwilliam. Maybe the Granite-hewn Grinder would be more appropriate? Although given his court case a few years ago maybe that would be actually even less appropriate (is there a more hideous image in human history than Geoffrey Boycott in an amorous situation.) Anyway, say hi to the American one from me, and yours in Bugling and Confectionary Stalling, The Lady who gives you the Lump

Hahaha...incredibly funny article...keep um coming! If I may suggest a few cricketers, please consider Wajahatulah Wasti and Shoaib Mohommad from Pakistan. You also need to include Jack Russel in this team!

The "build up" was superb and good choices. Shastri proved himself in the 86 series also in Mumbai, took a glorious while to move from 49 to 50 and a loooong while in the 90s. He did this in the one dayers too in early 90s. Trevor Franklin would have been a strong contendor in the six, should have been ahead of Kirsten. The complete art of denial. I have never seen Tavare bat, by the way Australian writers keep having a go at him, I am sucked in :-) How about Jimmy Adams?
Love your posts Andy.

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...some part of this blog was just too funny...made me laugh out loud

How could you forget Dravid? I watched him in Australia last year and fell asleep at the ground. All the spectators were praying for him to get out so that we could watch Tendulkar and Laxman!

Chanderpaul and Jimmy Adams are 2 other players that come to mind.

The commentaries were vigorous and cricket was dull before- now it is the other way round. Just listen to the cliched commentaries, particularly when India play- Shastri commentates now like he used to bat then!!!!!!!!Thanks Andy, for the oasis in this boring charades.
However, I have to tell about the worst trauma than Kirstens. Boycott and Tavare batted on the bouncy tracks in Bangalore against the fearsome Indian pacers of 80's all day- scoring about 81 runs. I have never been to a test match since!!!

You've got to add Boycott to the list. He talks a good talk and he played a good game, but his strike rate while talking is definitely lot higher than when he was batting.

I can't help but share a junior cricket story: Opening the batting in under 14s, getting out in the 18th of 40 overs on 1, and knowing that 1 run should have been a leg bye...

It's refreshing to see different angles that you bring into the cricket writing. It tickles your funnybones.

I guess there were many good contendors in Geffrey Boycot, Mark Richordson of newzealand.

I never come to understand when geffrey and Shastri speak abbout 20-20 or one day internationals how a batsman should be inventive and score at a faster pace.

But 36 from 180 odd balls in a one day international in a worldcup, chasing a big score should take the cake and eat it too. Courtsey Mr Sunil Gavaskar.

Ravi Shastri - at our place, we nicknamed him as 'Jiddu (Oily/sticky) Shastri' - Being a left arm slow spinner and RHB myself, at the age of 8 in 1989 modelled myself after him - giving similar experiences to my cricketing friends. Importantly, similar role - from lower order batsman to top order blocker around whom other batters score.

Great! Your best piece to date :)

That was simply hilarious...u Zaltz (or Waltz) sure have a dose of humour!! The part of Ravi Shastri truly stuck a chord. We Indians simply used to pray for him getting out in those late 80s.. he was absolutely masterful in maing himself the most hated player.
Pray, what about Atherton??

I dont think Boycott is too happy to be left out. He belongs right in there. Ravi Shastri bowling at himself cant be too boring. Being a superb player of spin, he would have hit himself for a few sixers.

Hilarious! ROTFL!! The quote about Shastri is priceless. Look forward to your next blog.

Did you miss the slogging openers in How and Redmond? They got out ridicolously easily, for poor shots.

Hahahhaaha. Very funny indeed. The Gary Kirsten and Ravi Shastri parts are hilarious and the Tilekeratne part is also quite funny. Great piece of work and I will be waiting for the next part and even for the most boring playing XI for all the nations :).......keep it up

11 New Zealanders at Random...

That's a stellar title for something. It got me anyway...

Great.
Shastri Bowling at Himself, so funny and so creative.
Part on Hashan is also nice.
fortunately the list does not contain any current players.
want to seee the second part.

Ha Ha Ha,the comment about Shastri is awesome.I laughed at it untill my stomach started to pain.Well man dont forget to add Jimmy Adams(padams) in your List,Who padded indian spinners like kumble and Raju.. in one of the series may be in 1994-95 ,he was a football goalkeeper.

Hahahaha. Superb article.
ICC suffering from the same problem as Greeks. Hahaha.
Boeta appearing with those four. Hahaha.
Shastri bowling to himself and killing cricket. Hahaha.
This is a masterpiece.

great dull memories...
one in recent times to add to list ..
Bangladesh test few days back... when bangladesh cruised to 40 from 47 overs.. against dullest new-zealand.. with excitingly dull finish of test match..

Endless production line of sleep-inducing Kiwi openers? I do get tired of the English press's superiority complex. The NZ openers you've listed are mostly guilty of being mediocre in quality, rather than boring. Of course England has had a series of blockbusting openers haven't they? How you could overlook Boycott, for one, is beyond me - he should be first name on the team sheet. And if you really knew your cricket Andy, you'd know that Jeff Crowe is the NZer that absolutely has to be there. Now he WAS a boring batsman...

I can relate - I once made 0 in 23 overs opening the batting for Kings Langley v Greystanes in Sydney. (I exploded with 10 in 2 hours in the second innings.) When I finally edged one to the keeper, one of my own team-mates yelled from the hill "for God's sake give him out"!. In the same game I took 3/22 from 18 overs of leg-spin, so I might have been equally boring with the ball.

I also seem to remember Edgar making a painful 50-odd in the final Test of the 1985-6 series in Australia. I watched every ball (at least while I wasn't asleep).

Great article - nice to see us Kiwi's at the top of the list, we don't always make it!!!

Absolutely hilar! I'd add Mike Brierley, not only was he slow but he had a face on him even Mother Theresa couldn't help but smash!

Brilliant, simply brilliant. Best piece of Cricket writing in quite some time. Keep up the great work. Can't wait to see the next part.

nice post andy, i expected mudassar nazar to be on that list since he has something like 6 out of the top ten slowest innings.

Fantastic list, and since we are talking Test cricket, Rahul Dravid's innings in England last season must be on this list - some 11 of 91 balls. Of course Sir Geoffrey will be offended not to be on this list. Watch out for a sloooowwly swinging bat towards you!

In the case of Ravi Shastri, I think it was Tony Lewis who mentioned that he has only 2 gears while batting - either 1st or 4th. While this blog talks about the 1st gear, let it also be klnown that Ravi Shastri has /had to his credit the fastest double century in first class cricket.............

How you could forget the great bore of a wall Dravid!!! We Indians are dying for him to retire and yet he bores us with his dogged mid pitch adventures. Dravid has got to be in any list of boring teams.

Good stuff, what about `Slasher` Mackay, the motionless Queenslander ( Who added insult to injury by bowling...you guessed it...`Medium pacers`..) The toffee nosed Trevor Bailey, and poor old Ken Barrington, who got dropped after a marathon century against us Kiwis in 1965. In Barrington`s book he described our bowling attack as `pretty useful`. The classic test of all time must be our first win over England at Wellington in 1978. Wright spent the entire first day making 50 ( And was promptly out first thing the next day) but Boycott retaliated with a mind numbing 8 hour 70. As fans all around the country were beaten in the streets for even admitting a passing aquaintance for the game , England somehow gave up in their second innings and were all out for about 78. Tragically , no one but the 42 people at the ground that Monday morning noticed , and the highlights package ( VHS ) at 9 seconds long was a poor seller.
Can`t wait for the rest of the blog..............

I once saw Ravi Shastri play against Australia in two gears - First and Overdrive. He went fro 0 to 45 in about 60 balls and then took what seemed another 60 odd to get his half century.

Having achieved that milestone he accelerated to 90 in the next 60 odd balls before shifting down and taking another day to get to his century. Can't remember his final score as I was asleep by then.

"If he could have bowled at himself, cricket would have died." I can't stop laughing ... and I won't either! Fab article Andy!

Shastri should be the face of all dual natured geminis. Either he forgets that as a batsman has to score runs in cricket or he he hits all the balls in a over for six (Domestic Ranji match)

You should be banned from writing this stuff, I'm still at work and my uncontrollable laughter is a dead give-away that I'm not reading client reports.
How can you leave Boycott out of the top order? Hell he was so boring his own team mates conspired to run him out to try and inject some life into the game. What is the expression about the America's Cup, about as interesting as watching paint dry? Surely Boycott is the America's Cup of all known batsmen.

dat was damn gud man....
u really really funny...

Great article and funnier than the Monty Python gang slipping over a banana peel. Ever since I watched Dravid and Jaffer stride out for Bangalore chasing Kolkata's mammoth 222 in the inaugural IPL match, I have often wondered what the ultimate anti-T20 team would be like. I never got past the top order - Boycott, John Edrich, Trevor Bailey and Ken Barrington (he of the famous chop) - but that might be harking back to an era too long ago - and might have more than a hint of prejudice against Pommies. Still, great blog and going over it, I think I would add Shastri and Tavare for sure in this squad. May the ranks of the stonewallers swell.

Absolutely Brilliant article...cant stop laughing out loud..and my office colleagues wonder what has struck me !!! I remember doing "SHASTRI HAY HAY" ( we HATE you Shastri) in Wankhede Stadium,Mumbai and we continued to do that even when he was not in the team ( 1996 world cup)and going out as a TV commentator to do a pitch report !!!

I reckon Kallis should replace Shastri as the all-rounder. I remember Shastri smashed Shane Warne in his debut to all parts. Dravid also needs to find a place somewhere. I wouldn't put Chanderpaul in because even though he bats slowly, he strange crab-like technique is fun to watch.

Oh and you forgot Wasim Jaffer! But then today's T20 inspired can't compete with the players of yesteryear.

ROFL.....Andy..U sure know how to tickle the funny bone. However as an Indian, I am perplexed that you have missed so many Great "Boring" Pakistanis. Pray, if you were worried about watching Kirsten..U would have written this article from heaven if you had watched Mudassar Nazar and Shoib Mohammad bat...Those were the days...Half of India grew Bald watching Mudassar pummel our bowlers by his "Defensive atyachaar"...We took to the streets to set up a cricket crimes tribunal to seek proper recourse..

Waiting for the next set...hopefully it will arrive faster than a few guys you talked about :)lol

One of the best lists I've seen. Wondering who the kepper and bowlers would be. Jack Russel might make it as a keeper. The comment on Shastri killing cricket by bowling at himself is classic!

btw, safwan, the facts are correct. SL actually got a lead and won by 8 wkts despite Tillekeratne's innings. Pakistan won by an innings in the 1999 Asian Test Championship final.

As a fellow batting dillard whose only way of getting to 50 is setting his stall out for a run rate of 1 per over in a 50 over match, I salute you.
Shastri is the true dullness allrounder, a feat he continues into retirement with his execrable commentary and tedious punditry.

I think Hanif Mohammad from Pakistan deserves a place in this line up. So slow he was that my grandfather still remember traveling from Chittagong to Dhaka to watch the test match. Only found himself sleeping midway through the innings.

How about a list of dullest umpires,Andy? though all umpires are uniformly dull. i am sure there are some extraordinary ones.

I loved watching Gary! He had some great groundstrokes, seen him in ODI's? Kepler Wessels was hands down the ugliest strokemaker and most boring player to watch (Boycott was before my time).

Andy - your best blog on cricinfo thus far period - absolutely laugh out loud
Loved the Gary K and Ravi S descriptions

Boycott of course, and from earlier days "Slasher" Mackay, Bill Lawry (Australia); Trevor Bailey (England)

It is one of the most intelligent articles I have ever read relating to cricket. The humour was outrightly sarcastic. Yes, your XI does feature one of the best men to have ever walked on a cricketing pitch, but then who cares, as long as it gives us all a hearty laughter. Like most others, even I found the part on Boeta and Shastri to be downright hilarious. Keep up the good work. Looking forward for your complete XI.

Great idea and buildup, and some great lines, esp. the one about Shastri. He was a bit of an enigma, though - I remember him charging Imran Khan in the slog overs and hitting him for boundaries (during Pak's tour of India, 1986-87).

You're a bit harsh on poor Kirsten, who was no worse than Boycott and a lot of others, and actually a very handy ODI players - but then, it's an intensey personal selection, as you say.

Among currently active players, I can imagine people nominating Dravid and Chanderpaul, though with Dravid I would say that he doesn't fulfil the "lack of style" criterion. Chanderpaul is a player of extremes - he can be explosive on occasion.

Hilarious! I imagined Shastri bowling to himself and just laughed my a** off. Some notable mentions:
Mohsin Khan - Pakistan
Maravan Atapattu, Roshan Mahanama - Sri Lanka
Graeme Hick, Mark Ramprakash, Robin Smith - England
Jimmy Adams, Larry Gomes - WI

And one name, being my namesake has tormented me throughout my life:
Anshuman Gaekwad - India

Surely Kepler Wessels should be on the list?

WIthout a doubt the most boring guy I've ever watched has to be Kepler Wessels. Yawn.

mudassar nazar & shoaib muhammad from Pakistan. anshuman gaekwad from the same era. How about brendon kuruppu of srilanka. A modern day nightmare would be free stroking pair of mark richardson and grant flower facing the deadly attack of arshad ayub and ashley giles at the minefield of faisalabad or green park, kanpur.

I am guessing that people want to see Jimmy Adams make the cut - but please not as a wicketkeeper. After all, that would leave no room for the destructive Jack Russell.

i see that another Dimuthu has replied to this. never seen that before!

@safwan - Sri Lanka won the 2001 A.T.C. mate, you're thinking about the 1999 one. Sanga scored a double hundred in the '01 edition before we saw Hashan's fireworks :D

Mark Richardson would feel quite unhappy to be left out i'd think. But knowing him, he'd just 'leave it'

Very funny article. really liked it and am wating with bated breath to read the rest of the great team.
shastri really was Jekkyl and Hyde what with his winning Champion of Champions in a World One day tournament and also driving us insane with his slow batting. some suggestions can include Jimmy adams, Gavaskar, Boycott etc. also do try to get a list of current players led off course by Rahul Wall Dravid.

What abt Muddasir Nazar & Shoaib Mohammad? Asif Mujtaba too!

Excellent stuff Andy!! Jimmy Adams, Geoff Boycott, Sunny Gavaskar and Sanjay Manjrekar

The career highlight of Tillekeratne is hilarious. Kirsten I think is the nightmare of all English cricket fans!

Possible contenders for the bowlers...for England, Alan Mullally, who if I remember rightly was basically dropped for bowling so far wide of the stumps that nothing ever happened. And almost all South African bowlers, naturally.

Jacques Kallis would be a good choice for 12th man - no personality, and could step in with either persistent good-length-2-foot-wide-of-off-stump bowling or bloodless-batting-with-complete-disregard-for-the-match-situation as and when required.

nice article. but we mustnt forget that there's beauty in slow batting in test cricket, t20 lovers dont realise it, they never will.

"If he bowled at himself, cricket would have died" - On Ravi Shastri. Gold!

Rahul Dravid of course, he single handedly threw away the initiative in Melbourne last year when he opened instead of Sewhag(?)

Very funny, especially the part about Dipenaar.

May I suggest Grant Flower?

Great one.. But I feel that rather than being blinded by one' personal trauma, statistically the best indicator for a boring batsman would be if the career strike rate of a batsman is lower than his career average.. maybe even by a factor if u want... (though u ll need to exclude Bradman from this then.. :) )

Maybe not over his entire career....but over the last 2 yrs it has surely been painful to watch DRAVID....his aim seems to beat shastri & actually KILL batting....he sure should be at least on the bench of this team

I'd add Dravid, Kallis, Adams and Boycott to your list. Great article, mate!

Well though out subject and well written. To an extent that the actual content and contraversy, if any, shouldn't matter. You just laugh loudly quite a few times. And of course, thank God Ravi Shastri did not bowl to himself !. I liked the laughing meter comment by Jaymin. Your article ranks high using that meter !

gr8 article man,
couldn't stop laughing about the part about Boeta.HAHAHA......
too bad I always felt Kirsten was up there amoung the elegant lefties of the 90's (Saeed Anwar,Andy Flower,Graham Thorpe).

Re Tavare - I went to a Lords Test on a Sunday in 198? (v Pakistan) and in the afternoon Tavare and Botham had a apartnership in which Tav outscored Both by a 2:1 ratio - it was the match in which the P opening bat Mudassar took a sackful of wickets.

The comment about ravi shastri is really funny and close to the truth.it is a fact that shastri was jeered and hooted even after hs retirement(Divine Intervention For us mere Mortals) by the crowd in india

Anyone who rates Chanderpaul as boring or lacking in style must prefer baseball to cricket. The man is a genuine master - a mini Atlas Headley supporting the "Yam Lickers" like Pollard etc. He should be more recognized as a WI great.

I think you are wrong about Chris Tavare's finest hour. Surely it came at Old Trafford in 1981? Admittedly he came to the wicket with the score at 7-1; but he then scored a coruscating 78 off 289 balls, spread over seven hours plus. What put his innings into stark relief is that he batted throughout Botham's foolhardly 118 (out of 149 scored while he was at the wicket). I think I'm right in saying that Tavare did not hit a single boundary while Botham was his partner.

The beauty of this was that spectators could watch one batsman playing the game properly, whilst the other made a mockery of the game - and could decide for himself which was which.

Great piece dude! Seriously funny and damningly true. I enjoyed reading what you wrote about Gary Kirstin, Ravi Shastri and Hashan. Can't wait for the next installment. I think (rather than just the World XI) each individual Team XI would be a great idea!

Slow scoring isn't that boring. Guys "playing their shots" and getting out in ridiculous fashion is really tiresome. And nothing is more boring than 20/20...

hahahaha this is funny. though i must say, a batsman i would feature in this team that no one else would realise is Australia's michael clarke. people think he's good but i recon he's pretty boring. like he gets some decent scores on occasion but he takes a while to get there, and iv never seen him hit a six

I Nominate Brian Taber (NSW & Australia) as wicketkeeper.

I mirror Jayman's sentiments below! Andy you've got to have a warning at the top of your posts on the lines of 'Not suitable for office reading', or 'Check boss' table before continuing'!
The Ravi Shastri remark made me fall off my chair, but i wonder if the Dravid omission was deliberate...

What an incredible writer you are Mr. Confectionary Stall. Great piece

Grewat piece of work, I have had a long held admiration for the career work of Tavare, as a boy of 12 in 1981 it wasnt the beligerence of Botham that excited me but the sheer grinding and relentless immovability of CJ Tavare's batting. For the rest of the team certainly Ewan Chatfield is worth a go at 11. His bowling in the 1987 series v England was just enough to make any cricket lover weep with despair so dull was it. Craig Matthews of South Africa comes to mind and for a keeper perhaps Brendon Kuruppu who I seem to remember batted for several months in one innings. Good work keep it up.

man, wajahat wasti from pak., is a must include, of course jack russell or david brown would be my 'keeper, ashley giles, the defensive bowling specialist, mervyn dillon early on in his career never took wickets, or maybe franklyn rose could be on your bowlers list. india's venkatapathi raju too is a good candidate.

How about a list of that most unforgivable of species: The Ugly Leftie. One could even get a XI who scored heavily against India - Jimmy Adams, Chandrapaul, Haydn, Strauss, Flower, ...

That was a great one. I am still laughing. Enlighten us with the heroics of more dullards.

"the bombay blockage"!! hilarious!
though I remember boycott commenting abut shastri- "the man has only two gears; low gear or high gear".he really used to bat like this.either dancing down the track and blocking the ball (once you have reached the pitch of the ball!!) or standing away from the stumps with the long handle.a torture both ways

and the Stadium resonates with "Shastri, Hai Hai" man it brings back memories

Kirsten is the greatest player ever!! Who cares if he is slow!!

Just a suggestion Andy...Deep Dasgupta (aka sacrificial lamb!) should find his way into the titans of tedium! Perhaps as wicketkeeper or even opener.

you cant leave out Jimmy Adams..! we called him Jimmy Padams because of his unique ability to block every single ball with just his pads... i don't know that exact stats, but in one notable innings v/s India he must surely have scored more leg byes than runs of the bat..!

very funny, although perhaps you should take into account the quality of bowling players were facing. Scoring a 300 ball century is far more forgivable against the old West Indian attack or Warne and Mcgrath than against someone like Bangladesh.

Awesome man. i really remember ravi shastri in that series in south africa. at 1 time in an innings he didnt score a run for 80 odd minutes! what a yawn.woof. and this guy's scored six sixers in an over!!! that bowler of whom he got those must have been really awful.it was nice fun reading this.

Still laughing. About the two gears of Ravi Shastri, I remember an ODI in South Africa ( their first series after readmission), where he blocked a part time bowler for the 40th over for a run or so, and then charged Allan Donald as he bowled the 41st over, as he had made up is mind that Over # 41 is a "slog" over.
We should start the ugly lefty list, and I'll pick Allan Border for that. Granted he scored a lot of runs, but after looking at Graeme Pollock and David Gower, watching Allan Border would be like getting an enema.

Great article!! If you were looking at a backup opener there is always Adrian Griffiths (W.I) with a cracking strike rate of 30.97 in Tests and I still trying to figure out which blind selector picked him to play One day cricket. By the way I'm west Indian!!

This has to be one of the funniest articles i have ever read. You should add a word of caution "Do not open at work"
BTW, how about Aakash Chopra?

Hahahaha, hilarious!!!!

FIY: we once played a 50-over-a-side match. The opponent's one opener carried his bat (for the entire 50 overs)......for a glorious 13 not out (their team total was 176/8)!

What about Trevor "Barnacle" Bailey
The famous cricket writer Neville Cardus wrote of one particularly turgid innings in his book "Cricket of Vintage" - "Before he gathered together 20 runs, a newly-married couple could have left Heathrow and arrived in Lisbon, there to enjoy a honeymoon. By the time Bailey had congealed 50, this happily wedded pair could easily have settled down in a semi-detached house in Surbiton; and by the time his innings had gone to its close they conceivably might have been divorced."

Amen to Shastri. Rumour has it that upon his retirement, a small town newspaper in India had the heading "Great ray of hope for Indian cricket as Shastri retires".

Sanjay Manjrekar and Mudassar Nazar merit selection.

Really funny! The comment on Shastri was really funny but lacks authenticity! he was not stodgy all the way....he scored runs failry quickly against the dreaded Windies attack of 80's. In 1983-84 homeseries v/s Windies....he even stepped out against Michael Holding in the one dayers....for chrissake he was not ugly but had stylish strokes! Despite the overwhelming perception of him being boring/stodgy he doesn't deserve to be on this list! Add Shoaib Mohammed, Riwan-uz-Zaman by all means!

Hilarious.

On the topic of Hashan Tillakaratne, I think it has to be seen in context. One, the team wasn't the strongest, regularly suffering batting collapses. Plus, coming in at six or seven, he'd have at times to bat with a incredibly fragile tail: anyone remember the batting feats of Promodaya Wickramasinghe, Ravindra Pushpakumara, Murali and Don Arunasiri in the early 90s? No? Thought as much.

Very Funny Indeed!! ... and Kudos for talking about a forgotten (hated?) bunch of heroes (villains?) :)

... Anyway, my gripe (being a Sri Lankan) is just about one thing: picking Hashan over Asanka Gurusinha. Either you have never seen him bat or seen his statistics (may be both). But, what a record his is! Just check his Strike rates, you'll know why (prime examples: strike rates of 27 & then 23 in the next, against the fiery Zimbabweans when they just came into tests -- our first series with them!). Gura, single-handedly has managed to draw test that we were about to win. His record of never winning a match he top scored in is perhaps unparalleled amongst batsmen. But, his greatest crime (in many SL eyes) was ending up 31* (88b) chasing 185 to win against Aus in Colombo (1992). SL lost by a mere 16 runs, and we still don't know what Gura was waiting (& blocking) for, while wickets were falling in the other end. He could've at least made an effort! He's unparalleled in SL cricket!

Andy, this is just plain hilarious. Shastri bowling to himself - you murdered me with your wit on that one!!

On second thought, I really wonder what would happen were Shastri was to bowl to himself. Probably he will come dancing down the track and block it!!

You forgot to add Sanjay Manjrekar. The guy could be excruciatingly slow. And that Vengsarkar. I remember him scoring 1 of 22 balls in a match against Pakistan.

mind blowing,fantabulous,supercilious well these are adjectives all right but they pale when it comes to appreciation of your article andy. Tjis is the the most hilarious piece on cricket i have ever read. thank you andy in providing relief alas momentary relief from recession.dying to see your complete list now.

You should accommodate the legendary drawmaster who played for a draw in a ODI and belted 36 runs off 60 overs.

fantastsic...

too good..

great article
bring back soooo many yaaaaawning memories.

Well done for the comments about Kirsten, I also have a history with him that has shaped my adult life. I got tickets to all 5 days of the Old Trafford Test of 1998 and I do think that the first 2 days of that has made the patient and tolerant man I am today. The strange thing about that game was that England scored 150 runs on the last day for 7 wickets but it was one of the more enjoyable days of cricket I can remember (although if Fraser had been given out LBW in the last over I might be more keen to try and forget it). How could you match watching Kisten score 210 in the flesh? How about spending a Christmas holiday seeing him score 275 to deny England a surprise victory? That was special. The time he scored 140 at Headlingley (rescuing SA from 20-4) did convince me the that despite his style he was a world class player and I wished he had been English.

what Kirsten did to England,Shoaib Mohammed did to the kiwis of a certain generation. And if kiwis think a foreign cricketer is life-drainingly boring then surely he goes to the top of the list.

BTW,only complaints about the kiwi 11 is John Bracewell, there was nothing boring about Braces, a fast bowler trapped in an off spinners body - he was aggresive.

This is brilliant.
Glad you didn't put the whole Kiwi side in there!

Good to see we are paying respects to these greats.

"what Kirsten did to England,Shoaib Mohammed did to the kiwis of a certain generation..."
... and I spent 5 days of one student summer holidays, mostly watching Shoaib play the forward defensive to Chatfield + Boock, on an Eden Park pitch where the grass had died from fungus and they used glue to hold it together ... and Hadlee (the only NZ fast bowler) broke down early in the Pakistan innings ... snooze ...

Your article was fantastic Andy...The statement "If he could have bowled at himself, cricket would have died." was really funny n i couldnt stop laughing..

Fabulous, Guess shastri is the overwhelming favourite. Had you added dravid he may have topped that. I remember an asia cup tournament in Sri Lanka under ganguly where dravid could not help his team in the end to a perfectly gettable total against sri lanka. And during all this Tony greig could almost be heard gasping at this incompetence.

Vandem I remember "Slow-ab" Mohammad very well. Once Boock had conceded his 200th run, Jeremy Coney commented "his arms are now twice as long as they were when he started." Classic.

Are you out of your mind? This has got to be the DULLEST EVER article in the history of cricket. Gary Kirsten? DULL? Get a life, Andy !

I started watching test cricket in 58, so my team goes back to then. This was the Golden Age of Dull Cricket. The pad-play, for example was so much better in those days, before they changed the lbw law.

These guys have been such a source of such inspiration to me that I have written poems about them. I'll post them separately

In particular a tribute to Slasher Mackay. The noble art of fighting for the draw is an art that has almot disappeared from the game – although Rudolph’s effort to keep out Warne for the entire last day a few years ago was gripping (no, really!)

Here is my team. You might think there is a preponderance of openers, but hell, they were at one time the best at stonewalling:

Boycott
Lawry (c)
Tavare
Barrington
Edgar
Burke
Hanif (wk)
Bailey
Mackay
Underwood
Chatfield

In a match in New Zealand that England was in
They needed quick runs if they wanted to win.
With Boycs at the crease they weren’t in the hunt
So they sent in young Botham to run out the blighter

Boycs could play a cracking shot
But usually not
Mostly he just hung around
A lot

Those who saw Lawry
Were sorry

(On Watching the 58/59 Ashes)
The Boil
Made watching toil.
And as for watching Jimmy Burke,
I’d rather go to work.
But Peter May
I could watch all day

I once saw Broad:
Oh my Gawd I was bored!

Barrington’s main claim to fame
Was crushing interest from a game.
One of his less well-known tricks
Was reaching hundreds with a six

Hanif Mohammad
Made bowlers pay,
But it took all tomorrow as well as today.
The Master Blaster
Was very much faster

Portly Colin Cowdrey
Was a batsman of some class.
Dispite all those Jamaican jeers
He once drove Ramadhin to tears
Because his pads, you see,
Were wider than his arse

When Tavare would play
The punters would stay
Away

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 1)
(Fourth Test, Australia v West Indies, Adelaide, Jan 27 – Feb 1, 1961. Match drawn)

There was a chap born years ago
A little wrinkled fellow
His mother called him Ken.
There was no way that she could know
That later on he would become
A giant amongst men.

Known to the world as Slasher
A nomenclature ironic
For K.D’s batting was indeed
No kind of cricket tonic.

He didn’t hit the ball, like some, with brutal force,
His method was more subtle,
And though some folks sneered, of course
He heeded not. For in the battle
His forte lay in leaving balls alone
That passed so closely by the stumps
They caused the bails to wobble.
He oozed the ball into the gaps,
Unlike more flashy chaps.

He didn’t swagger to the crease,
Like Richards later did,
And crunch the first ball though it was a bumper.

He didn’t slap the pill past point,
With wristy elegance.
His method gave no hint of Victor Trumper.

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 2)
He didn’t skip right down the track,
Like Harvey in his prime,
And crack the cherry out into the deep.

His style was more the kind of thing that puts a crowd to sleep.

You couldn’t tell, so it was said,
If he was live or he was dead.
“He doesn’t hit the ball,
He squirts it!” said one wag
And it was true.
But Slash was made of sterner stuff than men like me or you.

His bowling style was much the same
It didn’t have much glitter
Nagging line and length were more his go.
He didn’t play for show.

He didn’t deal in thunderbolts,
He didn’t make the ball rear up,
Just put it on a length or slightly shorter.
And wise old heads told toey youths
“Don’t try to belt him round the place -
I’m telling you, you really shouldn’t oughter”.
But oft they took no heed and paid the price.

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 3)
With just enough variety
He made batsmen who’d been around the block a time or two
Snap their caps
And suffer bloody rushes to the head
Producing suicidal slogs out to the deep.
And later on they’d drink too much
And later still in bed
A restless night deprived of sleep:
“Why did I not just block the ball instead?”

And as for sledging, well
It hadn’t then impinged upon our lives
And Slasher was a man who would as soon concede a run as speak a pointless word,
And wouldn’t dream of making vulgar talk about opponents’ wives.

The Fourth Test of the series
It was a hard-fought match,
As Tests are meant to be,
The Windies team was on a roll.
They’d won the latest Test,
Their players, radiating confidence,
Were keen to show their best,
And so they did.
Frank Worrell dealt quite nicely, thanks, with all the balls the Aussies chose to bowl,

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 4)
And scintillating Kanhai scored a ton in both his knocks,

But in the other camp the Aussies did it tough
No Davo, Harvey, Meckiff in the ranks,
And though the players gave their best
For which we all give thanks,
T’was clearly not enough.

When Kline went to the centre he was the last man in
There was a muted ambience, not like the usual din.
Near two hours left, the Aussies were a mile behind.
Of hope they were bereft, and yet
The Slasher still remained.

This Kline he was a bowler,
His batting wasn’t flash
Not many thought that he could last the session out with Slash.
And when he warmed up in the nets he got out twenty times
And all that he could think of was being maimed or worse,
And echoing around his head
That ancient Chinese curse:
“May you live, sir, in interesting times!”

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 5)
But Slasher wasn’t fussed,
His concentration never wavered,
The draw was there, the match not lost -
He knew that they could save it.
He knew that he must farm the strike to shield the hapless Kline
He knew as well he’d have to put his body on the line.

This Hall, he was a Hercules, a giant of a man
Who could propel the ball at fearsome pace
His bouncer made them duck and weave
And when it passed you could perceive
The beads of sweat their brows [upper lips?] had got,
And when his yorker hit the spot
They just weren’t in the race.

And Worrell tried with all his might
To put a finish to the fight
And Gibs and Val both gave the thing their best.
Gibbs already had a hat-trick, and deserved it there’s no doubt,
But Slasher farmed and blocked and pushed,
And even Sobers couldn’t get the bugger out.

And when the time it rolled around
For Wes Hall’s final spell
The crowd was hushed, no sound.

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 6)
But Slasher chewed upon his gum
With bovine equilibrium,
And stunned the most ferocious balls
As if he’d taken Valium
And Kline hung in as well.

At six o’clock when giant Hall
Propelled that last historic ball
I tell you true, no fibs,
It reared up nastily.
And to the crowd’s collective sigh
Old Slasher held his bat up high
And took it on the ribs.

“Well done, Slash!” the skipper cried
When he regained the shed
“Thanks, Rich” was all that he replied,
For he was kind of tired,
And feeling like a quiet ale,
Then tucking up in bed (his ribs were sore).

He didn’t know his final score (or give a stuff)
He did know, though, that he had done enough
To save the match:
‘Twas worth the pain.

They say that cricket is a funny game.
It surely is a hard thing to explain:
Americans and Frenchmen just don’t get it.
“What? Play five long days and end up in a draw?
What kind of fools d’you take us for?
Five days in the sun for what? Forget it!”

WHEN SLASHER SAVED THE MATCH (PART 7)
But every cricket lover knows
There’s dreary draws and draws that draws applause
And they’re the ones that see grown men break down in tears
Of joy and admiration, and tell the tale for years.

Some think that winning is the one and only thing
And that the world’s made up of those who lose and those who win
And nothing in between.
But if that’s true I’ll eat my hat
I know the world’s a subtler place than that.
Instead I doffs me hat to Slasher.
And thanks me lucky stars that I was there to watch
Upon that legendary day
When Slasher saved the match.
***
Some may think this poem excessively lonh, but if you have the attention-span of a brain-damaged slug, you could always watch 20/20!

Salamis

www.kimsandersworldmusic.com

Outright Hilarious! I would be rolling on the floor if I wasnt in office. Cricket is a joy in itself but to view it through P.G.Wodehouse like satirical eyes is a gift indded.

Outright Hilarious! I would be rolling on the floor if I wasnt in office. Cricket is a joy in itself but to view it through P.G.Wodehouse like satirical eyes is a gift indded.

Rahul Dravid's name also needs to be included in this list. Taking the pace of the game of his contemporaries into consideration, he is one the dullest in the game.
In India's 2007-08 tour of Australia, Rahul faced 750 balls in the whole series (one less than the highest), while ended up in scoring only 237 runs. A special mention for the Melbourne Test, where he took 180 balls to score mere 21 runs.

How can you miss out the "great"
Shivanarayan Chanderpaul of WI....!!!!!!!