In the coruscating fifth episode of Andy Zaltzman’s World Cricket Podcast: ball-eating, mystery deliveries, why Andrew Strauss just had to sit out, an interview with Australian comedian Justin Hamilton, a fiendishly difficult cricket game, a run-down of the great two-Test series in history, and, of course, more lies about cricketers. And you can subscribe via iTunes too. You lucky things, you.

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Graeme Swann's maverick streak has inspired England to ludicrous heights © Getty Images

Hello Confectionery Stallers. Having had time to digest another intriguing but baffling England series, I have come to the conclusion that Andrew Strauss’s team is one of the oddest in cricket history.

Since the Middlesex Mastermind inherited the team a year ago, as a supposedly steady hand on a confused tiller after the Pietersen Project ended in predictably disarray, England have played 16 Test matches. They have lost only three of these games, but each of those proved unmitigated drubbings by an innings. They have also twice won by an innings, as well as registering three more thumping victories (by 115 and 197 runs, and by 10 wickets). Thrice they have concocted a last-wicket escape with an alchemic cocktail of incompetence and resilience, and once allowed their opponents to wriggle off their last-wicket hook. They lost a series in which they averaged six runs per wicket more than their opponents, and won and drew series in which they averaged respectively six and eight runs less per wicket than the opposition.

This must constitute one of the most ludicrous sequences of Test cricket ever compiled. And yet the team is largely made up of apparently steady, reliable, not-especially-temperamental players, operating under practical, sensible leadership. England are the cricketing equivalent of a church choir who smash up their pews at the end of their gigs before setting fire to the vicar, or an accountancy lecturer whose talks contain subliminal but explicitly lascivious reveries about Queen Victoria.

The skipper and coach Andy Flower may externally give the impression of calm, assured direction, but underneath their focused, frivolity-free exteriors, they are presiding over an England era of barking inconsistency, almost surreal fluctuations, and frankly unfathomable results. The self-styled but militarily-useless ‘army’ of England’s most vocal supporters have long and loudly proclaimed their barminess. Perhaps, over the years, their barmy contagion has worn off onto the players.

In the unspeakably thrilling fourth World Cricket podcast: two actual interviews (so what if they’ve been conducted on dodgy phone lines), the Bradman of bowlers who have conceded 150 runs in an innings, the cattle fair that is the IPL auction, and more lies about cricketers. All this plus an option to subscribe via iTunes. How good can life get?

Read the transcript of the podcast here

Download the entire podcast here (mp3, right-click to save).

	Andrew Strauss trudges off for a golden duck. Now if only he'd opted to field instead ... © Getty Images

England will have to pull an elephant-sized rabbit out of their impressively rabbit-filled hat if they are to win the series in South Africa, especially if they want to clinch the rubber with another nerve-clanking draw, as would be appropriate.

Andrew Strauss evidently likes a challenge as captain. Bowling first would have given England a far greater chance of being able to cling on by their cricketing fingertips with one wicket remaining, the tactic which has served them so well in recent months. As it is, they are now relying on conceding a massive first-innings deficit, then launching the rearguard to end all rearguards, probably with a helping shunt in the back from the Johannesburg weather.

All at Confectionery Stall head-quarters (i.e. me, and my two small children (the wife’s away working)) were surprised not only that Strauss chose to bat, but that Graeme Smith claimed that he also would have elected to strap his massive pads onto his massive legs and clamp his massive bat in his massive forearms. (The voting on this issue was as follows: Surprised – 1; Not surprised – 0; Abstentions – 2.)

Conventional cricketing wisdom, dating back to the days when Aristotle and Plato would play single-wicket games against each other on the back streets of Athens, has always advised the toss-winning captain either to bat, or to think about bowling and then bat. Or, in exceptional circumstances, think about bowling, then think about batting, decide to bat, but be overcome by a childish desire to subvert convention and say that you’ll bowl, before returning to the pavilion to be greeted by some angry batsmen tweaking some extremely stony moustaches.

In the third instalment of his World Cricket Podcast, comedian Andy Zaltzman wonders whether it is logistically possible for Graeme Smith to play an elegant shot, dives into history to find one of the dullest Test series ever, lauds Pakistan cricket for imploding like the supernova that it is, and nearly manages to get an Australian guest on his show.

Read the transcript of the podcast here

Download the entire podcast here (mp3, right-click to save).

	England's nerve-wracking draw in Centurion was pre-planned © Getty Images

Happy New Year, Confectionery Stallers, and welcome to a new year, a new decade (or the last year of an old decade, depending on your decade-defining proclivities). I am firmly in the New Decade camp, and so, I assume, is Jacques Kallis, if only so he can claim to be the 29th member of the highly exclusive club of players who have scored Test hundreds in three different decades.

(I have a full list of these 29 cricketing legends, but will not list them here for fear of antagonising my wife, who is anxious for me not to join the equally exclusive club of husbands who have spent excessive parts of two decades working out things on Statsguru. But a special mention for the great Indian batsman Vijay Merchant, who is the only man in the history of humanity to have scored just one Test century in three separate decades. Throw that little fact into your next conversation at work and see how people react. Hang on, I’m not quite finished with this one yet. If Kallis can somehow muster another five-wicket innings from his creaking limbs, he will become only the eighth bowler to take a five-for in three different decades, and join Kapil Dev as the only player to have both scored hundreds and taken five-fors in three decades. I’m done now.)

So impressive has Kallis been in this series that he must be starting to fancy his chances of becoming the first man to score hundreds in three different centuries – with modern science and training techniques, and Kallis’ unshakeable focus, it is entirely possible that he could still be churning the runs out in 2100.

The new year began well enough for both teams in Cape Town. England were strong throughout the first day, if a little lacking in old-ball penetration, and South Africa recovered with some style from a position where the series appeared to be heading decisively northwards.

After Durban, England fans had woken in the glorious dawn of a new year, rubbed their bleary faces, checked the second-Test scorecard they had printed out and hidden under their pillows, and murmured, “Did that really happen?” It was a performance almost devoid of flaws, and brought about England’s first innings victory over South Africa since 1964 (which itself had been so impressive that the prominent British poet Edith Sitwell felt compelled to die the following day at the age of 77).

One of the unavoidable medical side effects of modern sport-watching is feeling a faint but perceptible sensation of nausea and futility when hearing losing teams, captains and coaches desperately extracting spurious "positives" after being utterly defeated. A team will be walloped like a Victorian schoolboy, then hack away in the mineshaft of humiliation with the pickaxe of desperation in search of some flimsy nuggets of optimism to pass off as the pure gold of progress.

Therefore, in the wake of England’s spectacular Durban victory, I resolved to reverse this modern procedure, and attempt to find some equally spurious "negatives" to take from a magnificent all-round performance, as decisive and complete as any that England have concocted in recent years.

	The duo who made Australia tearfully phone their mummies © AFP

Welcome to the official Confectionery Stall year-by-year highlights of the Test Match decade, covering the years 2000, 2001 and 2002. These are my personal selections, and should not be used as unarguable evidence of the greatest cricketing moments of the selected years in any legal cases or political dispute.

Apologies, therefore, if there is an English bias – but not only am I English, most of the cricket I have watched this millennium (especially in the first half of the decade) involved England. And England are, have always been, and will always be, the most exciting cricket side in the universe. I am sure all of you, deep down, would much rather watch Alistair Cook than Brian Lara, Ashley Giles ahead of Shane Warne, and Alan Mullally rather than Wasim Akram.

I am equally sure you all have your own favourite moments of the last 10 years. Maybe some of you are hardcore Boeta Dippenaar fans who insist that the unbeaten 177 against Bangladesh in Chittagong was not merely the highlight of 2003, but also the single greatest achievement in the history of all sport. Maybe there was a particular shot, delivery, catch, umpiring signal, appeal, use of the heavy roller, mispronunciation of player’s name by a stadium announcer, or helmet-kissing, that particularly spoke to your cricketing soul. If so, please share it with us.

2000: England beat West Indies by two wickets at Lord’s
In a decade that became notable for mammoth run-scoring on featherbed pitches, sending even the most fanatical cricketing insomniac into a catatonic snooze, this three-day thriller had “19th century” written all over it in gold-plated calligraphy.

Twenty-one wickets fell on the second day, with West Indies skittled for 54 in two hours of maniacal mayhem, with Andy Caddick returning the positively Victorian-era analysis of 13-8-16-5. There followed a nail-nibbling third-day finish as England inched to their first major victory of the Hussain-Fletcher era, against the last remnants of the great West Indian fast bowling dynasty.

Honourable mention: England winning in almost pitch-black darkness in Karachi - Hussain and Thorpe wrapping up victory batting with miner’s lamps strapped to their helmets, wearing glow-in-the-dark safety tabards, and using their innate bat-like sonar to locate the ball. Towards the end, as Moin Khan complained that his fielders could no longer see the ball, and he could no longer see his fielders, Steve Bucknor responded with an admonitory, schoolmasterly look that screamed, “Well, you should have thought of that before you started slowing the over-rate down to 4.3 per hour.”

In the second instalment of his World Cricket Podcast, comedian Andy Zaltzman tells you who will win the South Africa v England series, names his favourite South African player of all time, reflects on the outstanding series in New Zealand, refrains from speaking to his guest on the show this week because he couldn’t get his computer working, and dishes up more lies on cricket.

Read the transcript of the podcast here

Download the entire podcast here (mp3, right-click to save).

	England have a psychological block when it comes to playing Test matches in the shadow of flat-topped mountains © PA Photos

Only two-and-a-half weeks remain of a cricketing decade that has seen some of the best cricket ever played and some of the worst, and which has witnessed greater transformation in the game than any time since Eve persuaded Adam to join her in a new game she had invented, which involved trying to hit an apple with a snake.

England began the decade as they will end it – in the middle of a Test series in South Africa. In January 2000, England’s first third-millennium Test ended in a pounding, series-losing innings defeat, before they gained a consolation win in the final Test, thanks in large part to (a) Hansie Cronje’s love of high-quality jackets, and (b) Hansie Cronje receiving a rather surprising answer from his "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, and acting upon it. Thus began a theme which has recurred on and off throughout the decade − the needless devaluing of Test cricket.

(A couple of trivia questions for you:
1. Who was the first man to bat at 6 for England this millennium?
2. Who was the first England player to etch his name onto a 21st-century honours board?

Anyone who answers both of these correctly without having to look them up deserves a mixture of respect, praise, pity, admonishment, scorn and a commemorative Confectionery Stall silver salver. And a urine test to check for illegal levels of Wisden. Answers at the bottom of the blog).

England begin Wednesday’s first Test in confident mood, hoping that this series will show that the 2009 Ashes win marked the beginning of a period of excellence, as the 2005 victory transpired to mark the end of one. Has beating the Australians papered over the cracks that were evident throughout the summer, or filled them in with the concrete of confidence and painted the Queen high-fiving Len Hutton on top? And was South Africa’s win in Australia a year ago their high-water mark – Ntini is retiring, Kallis creaking, Morkel stagnating, Smith chuntering to himself?

	Charged as guilty: Virender Sehwag© Associated Press

Virender Sehwag, not for the first time in his extravagant career, stands on the cusp of history. To break Brian Lara’s Test innings record, the Delhi Devastator needs another 117 runs – equating to approximately 23 minutes’ batting at his standard scoring rate.

I speculated in my first World Cricket Podcast exactly what bowlers must feel when attempting to combat Sehwag on a good batting pitch. Suffice it to say that if this innings continues long into day three, the International Court of Human Rights may become involved, and the phenomenal Indian opener may find himself charged with crimes against bowling humanity.

For all the splendour Sehwag has once again given to the cricket-watching world, all record of this innings must be surreptitiously destroyed. What if impressionable young bowlers were to stumble upon evidence of the kind of abuse they may endure? What right-thinking parent would want their precious little baby bowler to grow up in such a heartless universe? Even bowling machines might refuse to bowl.

The groundbreaking first instalment in Andy Zaltzman's series of world cricket podcasts is here. In this special guest-free edition, Zaltzman turns an eye to the cavalcade of cricket that has been shovelled into our faces of late. Among the highlights: a look at the Dunedin Test, of which, despite not having watched a ball, he loved every ball; the first and last "paltry/poultry" pun ever; ways Mohammad Asif can get banned in future; the Zaltz Stat of the moment; the team that (sometimes) executes their plans as smoothly as Henry VIII did his wives; and in a world-first, a joke that features both Ali Naqvi and Dirk Wellham.

Read the transcript of the podcast here

Download the audio here (mp3, right-click to save)

	There's something eerie about England's confident start in South Africa © PA Photos

The Confectionery Stall is back. I’ve been tied up writing and recording a radio series for the past few weeks, a period which has probably been the longest I have ever endured without really thinking about cricket since I was in the womb.

And what dark, dark days they were (literally and metaphorically), throughout the summer of 1974, subconsciously willing my cricket-averse mother to allow her radio to stray onto the commentary of England’s series with India and Pakistan, before realising this was a futile quest, and resolving to ignore cricket until my birth, at the very earliest. Thereafter, I reasoned from my amniotic cocoon, I would at least be able to cry and scream incessantly until I was provided with regular updates on all major cricket matches.

Little did I know that these cries and screams would be so spectacularly misinterpreted as demands for sustenance or affection. Or fresh laundry. And I have taken extreme care not to repeat this misinterpretation with my own children, who are kept fully appraised of all the latest occurrences in ICC-ratified events as soon as their lips even start to quiver.

Hopefully my recent break will have done me good – after years on the treadmill of thinking too much about cricket, a few weeks of enforced break should have refreshed the thinking about cricket part of my brain (the left half, and the top 80% of the right), and I will be able to think about cricket more and better than I have ever thought about it before.